


Something Holy

by violethoure666



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: AU, Adam goes hard for Ronan, Adam on a mission, Anal Sex, Birds, Bottom Ronan, Boys Kissing Boys, Deer, Dirty Thoughts, Eventual Sex, Gay crisis, Homophobia, I promise this is still in character, Longing, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Priest!kink, Ronan cries in this one, Serious!Ronan, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, UST, catholisism on crack, jerking off, my attempts at humor, pynch - Freeform, serious priest stuff, some mean things got said, woodland animals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-19 08:26:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7353376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violethoure666/pseuds/violethoure666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam just graduated college and is only in Henrietta for the summer to hang out with his bff Blue (and her new boyfriend) and live cheap while he applies for jobs in DC. He ends up renting a room at St. Agnes, which is run by Blue's boyfriend's childhood best friend and walking enigma, Father Ronan Lynch. </p><p>Or, the one where everyone is in their mid twenties, Ronan is a priest and Adam kind of loses his shit while consistently having zero chill in church.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy. This was supposed to be a one shot but it REALLY got away from me. It ran away, grew wings, started breathing fire, and is now somewhere upward of 20k words. I have TWO unfinished fics on here, and one of them is a Raven Cycle fic that is NOT DEAD but was starting to feel so forced. I needed this to get back into writing headspace, AND I waited until it was done to start posting. It needs some light editing, so I will be posting the next chapters over the next day or so, but it should all be up by the end of the weekend at the latest. Also, I am really, really sorry about all of this. Corrupting a priest is a dirty job, but someone had to do it.

Adam Parrish did not believe in God. Maybe he would have, if things had been different, but to Adam faith had always seemed like a luxury intended for those who could afford it. He knew this wasn't really true, people from all walks of life would fall to their knees or praise the skies. Adam thought the whole thing was ridiculous. He had never believed in God because no one had ever been watching out for him except himself.

Adam had killed himself to pay for Aglionby Academy once he got accepted at 16. He had a partial scholarship and worked every waking moment he could to pay the rest. It was worth it, he had received a full ride scholarship to college after graduation.

Adam was a child of the dirt. He was born of the dirt, grown from the dirt. There was dirt under his nails even months after he left for college. He always thought he even looked like the dirt. Sand colored hair, silt colored eyes, dust colored skin. Adam wondered, even now after his Ivy League education, if everyone he met could tell that he still had his roots so deep under the earth, they drank the mud and loam up greedily.

He had worked hard through college, keeping a part time job to enjoy his free time and save a little bit of money. It was easy to save when his room and board was covered, but his senior year he had been forced to dip into his savings to pay for housing after some serious misfiling of paperwork in the bursars office, so he found himself short for cash and jobless the day after graduation. No one in his family had come to watch him Graduate, but his best friend from back home Blue Sargent had come, bringing her entire family with her. The Sargent's were overwhelmingly female. Each one was loud, dark and beautiful. Also low key scary. They were the closest thing to family he had ever had.

It was for this reason that he found himself back in Henrietta, a stay he promised himself was absolutely temporary. He needed to regroup, to apply for jobs and internships in DC and the lure of being close to his best friend (despite the fact that she had a new boyfriend he had yet to meet) was tantalizing. Henrietta was close enough to the city that he could go take interviews and still come home for dinner, and finding a place to live would be cheaper than hunting in DC. Once he had a job lined up, he could figure out a place.

Blue had offered for him to stay with her, and then she had offered him at a place at her boyfriends which made Adam balk. Blue and Adam had dated briefly in high school, before he had transferred to a private all boys school and before they realized that truly they were better off as friends. But still, the idea of Blue with a boyfriend was a little odd to Adam, least of all because said boyfriend wasn't him. Blue had never shown interest in anyone.

Adjusting back into country life was equal parts calming and trying. Adam missed the constant buzz of higher education, the energy of full classrooms and the raucous laughter that always filled the dorms. However, he was able to appreciate the Virginia landscape in a new way after being away for so long. As much as this town was laced with the bitter aftertaste of his childhood, the energy and spirit of Henrietta was burrowed somewhere deep inside of Adam's soul.

The backyard of 300 Fox Way was truly magnificent. A giant Beech tree rose up and covered the entire yard in its twisting canopy of shade.  
"I can't wait for you to meet Gansey," Blue said. She was balled up in one of the giant porch chairs, a tiny ball of energy. Gansey was one of THE Gansey's. Adam was irrationally jealous of him, and felt sick at the prospect of meeting him.  
"We're going hiking tomorrow. You'll come right?" Blue looked at him with wide, dark eyes.  
"Of course," Adam said, and he was genuinely excited about it. They drank tea and chatted until the sun had been down for hours and Adam retreated to the phone/sewing/cat room to sleep.

The morning rose hot and sticky, there was no breeze to bring relief as they set out to walk to Gansey's house. Apparently, Gansey had no first name. Blue was a giggling mess which was sort of adorable but also made Adam bristle in a way that made him ashamed. He was happy she was happy, even if it didn't feel like it at the moment.

Gansey lived in a giant abandoned factory called Monmouth Manufacturing. The first floor was a beast of machinery, still and dusted in it's slumber. The upper level was large and open, with a few rooms off the main landing. Gansey was all bright smiles and tan skin and the smell of money. Adam wanted to dislike him, and succeed in doing so for about all of five minutes. Despite how many Gansey look a likes Adam had met, no one had ever listened to him with such genuine interest and made him feel so...vital. They were quickly swept up in intricate conversations about Welsh Kings and Latin and the socioeconomic state of Europe. It turned out Gansey had gone to Aglionby as well, just for his freshman and sophomore year before moving to DC after his mother was elected to office. Adam had transferred to Aglionby for his junior year, and so the two had never met, but suddenly found they shared a wealth of common experiences.

"Oh god, I can't believe Henry did that," Gansey said, wiping away tears of laughter after Adam had regaled him with a story of Henry Cheng streaking through the woods after a kegger at Litchfield House.  
"Actually," Gansey said, his face softening with affection, "I totally can."

They talked and laughed and shared stories while Gansey showed Adam the sprawling landscape of the factory. Gansey's aesthetic was somewhere between early 19th century explorer and miniature architect. There were maps of various places, some Adam was certain did now exist, cover every flat surface. Old scientific instruments with names Adam couldn't remember were cluttered on the shelves. The floor of one room was completely covered in a miniature version of Henrietta, made from cut up cereal boxes and soda cans and other recyclables. Overall, the entire building was magical and intoxicating, not unlike Gansey himself. Adam understood what Blue saw in him.

"Well if we wanna hike we should head out," Blue said, after Gansey and Adam had become immersed in a story about their old Latin professor Greenmantle.

"Yes! Jane is right, we should set off. Let me get the bag, we can take my car to the other side of town and park by the church, we'll be able to get to the trailhead we need from there." Gansey got a backpack full of what looked enough tools and instruments to conduct high level field research. As they drove out in Gansey's ancient, flame colored Camaro, Adam asked, "So what exactly is it we're looking for?"  
"Anything that shouldn't be there," Gansey said, and when he didn't elaborate Blue sighed and said, "You're going to have to give him more than that."  
"Basically, I'm doing research trying to prove that the Welsh came to the new world in order to bury a king. What we're looking for is any sign of disruption to the natural habitat, waterways that were dammed by humans, signs of gravestones, burial sites. They would mark the way occasionally, there have been all kind of discoveries across Virginia of Welsh coins and emblems."  
"And who exactly is conducting this study?" Adam asked.  
"Gansey technically works for the American Historical Association."  
"Technically," Gansey said, raising a hand to further make his point.  
"They contacted me a year ago, just as I was heading into my last year at Yale. I had been doing my own research here while I lived in Henrietta as a teen, and all over the world in fact. They would have just left me to it but my mom got elected into office and then suddenly all eyes on the Gansey's, can't have Dick running around the world unsupervised. So they put me in private school in DC at 16 and let me use my summers however I wanted."  
It takes Adam a moment to realize that Gansey must be Dick.  
"We had to be the picture perfect family, so all research was halted, and then cool. When they AHA got in touch with me I was thrilled to be able to continue my work, I haven't been able to focus on my pet projects since before college."

They parked by the church and headed to the woods behind it, Blue shivered next to Adam as they passed through the gate, despite the warm weather.  
The trail was easy to follow and the hike was beautiful all on its own. Adam had expected to be out of his mind looking for non existent clues, but within an hour he had found a small coin hidden under a tree root. They had pried it out from underneath and Gansey had whooped out loud and clapped Adam on the shoulder. Gansey placed the coin in an evidence bag, he had a homemade solution at home he would clean it with before marking every minute finding.  
"Well done Parrish," Gansey said, and the term of endearment filled Adam with fraternal affection.  
"I can't believe I found that, actually," he said.  
"Some things just want to be to found," Gansey said.

They hiked for another hour and Gansey found a large igneous rock that had no rightful place in Virginia, or so he said.

They hiked until the sun was sinking in the sky, and they headed back toward the car.

"I was thinking," Blue said, in a voice that Adam immediately recognized as loaded. Gansey seemed to realize this as well, because his attention snapped to Blue. "Since Adam needs a room to rent just for the summer, maybe we could see if the other St. Agnes apartment is available?"  
Clearly, whatever Gansey had expected it wasn't this. He looked relieved at first and then seemed to consider it.  
"We can ask, it sounds like s great idea to me. What do you think Adam? How does living above a church sound?” Adam had never spent much time in church. He didn't believe in God, the entire concept seemed so beyond his grasp. He had trouble taking religious people seriously. He also needed a place to live, and Henrietta was not bustling with options.  
"We can certainly take a look, I'm open to anything right now."  
So they headed back to where the small church dotted the otherwise green hill.  
"Do you think they will mind renting to someone who isn't Catholic?" Adam asked, a little apprehensive.  
"Well," Blue smiled, "Gansey is very close with the priest."  
Adam stopped walking at this.  
"Oh, I mean, I didn't know you were Catholic," he finished lamely.  
Gansey laughed, "Oh I'm not."  
Adam was confused. Blue was smiling. Gansey seemed unaware that this was an odd thing to say.

They reached the church, and Gansey slipped off to find the priest. 

 

Adam tried to stomp down on the disquiet he felt. Being in church always felt like wearing someone else’s favorite hoodie. It wasn’t his, it didn’t feel right and he was always worried about ruining it. It was very small, as far as churches went, and Adam had driven past it a thousand times and never paid much attention to it. The main congregation was a humble space, capable of housing a few hundred people if needed. There was a balcony above the pews, and it opened up to a hallway with a few doors off of it. There were two small apartments on either side of the church balcony. Blue had seen one of them, and said it was nothing special, but it would be cheap to rent for summer and fine as far as temporary places go. 

Adam was starting to regret this. He had pretty much decided he was going to act politely interested and then hustle over the next few days to find something better that wouldn’t insult Blue or Gansey’s hospitality and help. 

Just as he had resolved himself, Gansey came into the main hall. He was with someone, someone who was not any older than Adam himself. The guy, the priest Adam realized, had short dark hair, almost buzzed but grown out just enough not to seem dangerous. He was sharp looking, formidable, powerful as a king in robes. He looked familiar to Adam, the piercing blue eyes, the intensity of his stare. 

He was familiar. 

“Ronan Lynch,” Adam said, his voice laced with wonderment.  
“Adam Parrish,” Ronan said, no inflection in his tone whatsoever.  
“Oh no way, you guys know each other?!” Blue looked very disappointed. No doubt her plan to have Adam expecting to meet a crotchety old priest only to find this handsome young man instead had failed miserably. 

Only, Adam had only known Ronan Lynch for a very short period of time. They had been at Aglionby together, for a few months during their junior year. In fact, one of Adam’s earliest memories of Aglionby was of Ronan. They had two classes together that fall but they never spoke. Adam had heard the rumors, that Ronan’s father had been killed, that Ronan had found the body. He was an angry kid, dark and sharp and ruthless. Adam hadn’t wanted to know him, Adam had actually made a mental note to stay away from Ronan Lynch. Or he would have, if he felt he needed to. At. that time, no one ever came near Adam anyway. 

Every day that fall it pissed rain. Adam rode his shitty bike to school and then from school to his job at the factory across town or straight home. Every day, Ronan Lynch drove past him in a shiny BMW, dark and sleek as a storm cloud.

One exceptionally shitty day, when the rain was coming down more like ice than water, Ronan pulled up in front of where Adam was unlocking his bike. “Want a ride, Parrish?” Ronan asked.  
It was approaching something dangerously close to hailing. Adam looked up at Ronan and said no thanks but it came out “That would be great.”

So Adam left his bike locked up to the school, knowing full well he would have to walk back to get it at some point (at least it wouldn’t be hailing) and got into Ronan’s car. The radio was thumping something jarring and electronic and Ronan didn’t say anything to him the whole ride except to ask where to drop him off. Adam didn’t have work, but he debated asking to be dropped off at the factory so Ronan wouldn’t see the trailer park where he lived, but the storm was worsening by the minute and it didn’t seem worth the risk. What did he care what Ronan Lynch thought of him anyway? Ronan didn’t comment on any of it, just pulled up and turned the headlights off when the car was facing Adam’s trailer. 

Adam could only see Ronan’s profile, the way his teeth flashed in the dark. The entire situation was so at odds with what he thought of as Ronan Lynch. 

“Thank you, you really saved my ass,” he said, attempting light but sounding nervous to his own ears.

“Don’t mention it,” Ronan said, and it sounded more like a vague threat than acquiescence. 

Adam had gone to get his bike on Sunday after the storm passed, and on Monday he had intended to say something else to Ronan, but he was gone. Rumor had it he had been arrested, involved in what some people said was dealing explosives and some people said was dealing drugs and some people said was just street racing gone wrong. Whatever the reason, Ronan Lynch had left Henrietta, and Adam hadn’t seen him again. 

 

So while the fact that Gansey’s priest was not an old withering dude but rather a young and surly looking Irish man was a bit jarring to Adam, sure, it was overshadowed by the fact that it was Ronan Lynch here, in a church, as a priest. That was beyond anything Adam’s little brain could have dreamt up to file under the ‘weird shit in Henrietta’ category. 

“Father Lynch,” Gansey said, and Ronan eyed him carefully. “We were hoping that Adam could rent the spare room upstairs for the summer.”  
“No,” Ronan said.   
“Seriously? Why not?” Blue asked, hand on her hip.   
“Because,” Ronan said, hesitating for a moment, “he’s not a catholic.”  
“Right,” Blue said, “neither was Mr. Goldberg but he was able to rent it without a fuss.”  
“She has a point,” Gansey said, shrugging at Ronan.  
Ronan seemed like he was trying to come up with any reason to turn Adam away, but he came up short.  
“It’s just for a few months,” Adam found himself saying, despite his the decicion he made only minutes ago to not take the apartment. Now that he had been denied, it wanted it badly.   
Ronan’s eyes met Adam’s.  
“Please, Father?” Adam said, dipping his head.  
“It’s $400 a month,” Ronan said, “And you can’t be loud after 10pm. No music, no girls over,” his mouth was a hard line.  
“Of course, Father,” Adam said, maintaining his souther grace, “I am grateful for your hospitality. I can pay advance for the summer.”  
Ronan nodded his head, and turned to Gansey.  
“Gansey, a word?” He didn’t wait for answer, just turned and walked away. Gansey followed him.

Once they were out of earshot Adam said, “You wanna tell me how the hell Ronan Lynch became a priest?”  
“One of life’s greatest mysteries,” Blue said, patting Adam’s arms.  
“He’s still an ass, though,” she warned.   
Somehow, Adam didn’t doubt that at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan is basically snow white and Adam gets to see him in a tank top.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention that I literally could have never written this fic without @Again_n_Again ? She is my rock. Thanks girl.

Adam moved into St. Agnes the next day. He had almost nothing to move, just the few boxes in the back of his car which were mostly books and a few bags of clothes. Blue and Gansey helped him anyway. Ronan was nowhere to be found, but Adam realized that he lived in the other apartment, just on the other side of the balcony. This thought made his stomach twist. Somehow when he had made the decision to push Ronan into letting him stay here, he didn’t expect it to be in such close quarters with him. He felt inexplicably nervous at the idea, which was ridiculous considering he had just come from a living in a crowded dorm. 

The room was indeed modest, the ceiling sloped so that you had to duck if you got too close to the far edge of the room, but it had large windows and a full size bed. There was also a desk with a chair, and a small bathroom. A shelf wit a hot plate and microwave sat along one wall, with a small mini fridge tucked below. It would be just fine for the summer, better by far than crashing at Blue’s, and a million times better than the idea of staying with Gansey, who had offered himself. While Adam did find the idea tempting, he had declined. Monmouth was too Gansey to ever be a place Adam could feel at home. Even if it was just for the summer, it needed to be his. 

“Gansey,” Adam said, when Blue had gone down to the car to get another box.  
“How did Ronan…I mean, from what I knew of him…It’s just…he’s a priest,” Adam finished his jumbled sentence and felt a little ashamed.  
“I know,” Gansey said, sighing. “Look, it’s not my story to tell, you know? But I’ll give you the basics. When Ronan’s dad died, Ronan was the one who found him. It really, it really hit him hard. It changed him. His mom was just checked out after that, his older brother became violent and the younger one desperate for some kind of familial peace. Ronan couldn’t take it, he’s so smart, and he’s so good on the inside, but he was just a kid. He just threw himself into drinking, fighting, racing, any kind of danger. That was the Ronan I’m sure you met.”  
Adam nodded, and Gansey went on. “So one night, he got busted speeding, and he had been drinking and the cops wanted to put him in jail, but old Sister Catherine stepped in, and said that Ronan had been devout his entire life, and that if he wanted to, he could study with her, take a few years to travel to a seminary, and come back here to be the lead priest. I was sure Ronan wouldn’t take the deal, that he would go to juvy or jail or end up on the streets, but he broke down and agreed, and he threw himself into this life instead. I’ve never really understood why, but I am grateful, in a way. He is easier like this.”

Adam could sense Gansey’s apprehension. “But you miss him, right, the way he used to be?”  
Gansey’s eyes flitted to the door and back to Adam.  
“Sometimes, yes. I miss the way he was when we were kids, our families go way back, but later, after Niall,” Gansey looks far away and fearful, “I spent so much of that time worried that he wouldn’t make it out alive, waiting for a phone call from his mother. This is better, I would rather have him safe and alive, even if it means he’s a little…softer, quieter.”  
“Less,” Adam finished, and Gansey’s face tightened because it was true.  
Adam wasn’t sure it was a fair trade, and was overwhelmed suddenly with the wrongness of it. Surely there was a way for Ronan to have both, to be content with life and have purpose and not have to dull his very soul to do so? Adam reminded himself that this wasn’t his fight. 

Blue came back with the last box and helped Adam unload books onto the shelf and clothes into bins tucked under the bed to save space. 

“Gansey and I have a date tonight, but do you want to hang out with for a little bit before? We have a few hours to kill,” Blue said.  
“No you guys go on, I have some emails I need to send, a few things to confirm in the city. I will catch up with you guys tomorrow, go have fun.”  
Blue engulfed Adam in a hug, and Gansey clapped his shoulder and then they left and it was just Adam Parrish in a tiny room above a church, where he could hear people praying in the distance to a God he had never believed in.

 

The next morning, Adam woke up early, just as the sun was coming up and decided to go explore the grounds. The property around St. Anges was fairly large, there were a few acres of meadow before it dropped off to the woods where they had gone hiking a few days before. Henrietta was beautiful, rich green and blue and brown, the smell of flowers in the morning air. There was a graveyard off to the west, and a large barn to the east. Upon closer inspection, Adam found that there were cattle, chicken and sheep on the property. There were also a large number of deer creeping along the forest line, looking at Adam expectantly.

“They’re not gonna come eat if you’re here.”  
The voice came from behind him, and made Adam jump.  
“What?” Adam asked, because he had no idea what Ronan was talking about.  
“The animals,” he explained, with a look that said that should be obvious. He was wearing his official vestments, the roman collar tight around his neck.  
Adam’s eyes dropped to the place where his pale neck disappeared.  
“Can’t you just put food in the pen?” Adam asked.  
Ronan shook his head and looked at Adam as if he were stupid.  
“Look just, don’t move, okay? Try and stay as still as you can, they like me but I don’t know how much they trust me. They can smell you.” His eyes were sharp on Adam and Adam felt pinned under his stare, wasn’t sure he could move anyway. There was something so authoritative about this version of Ronan, Adam wouldn’t know where to start when it came to defiance. 

Ronan reached into a back and pulled out some feed. He threw it on the ground in front of him. Within seconds, a few large ravens had descended. Ronan pulled out a slice of apple, and held it in his hand. From overhead Adam heard a great Kerah, and a large raven circled directly overhead, and came to rest on Ronan’s shoulder. She took the apple slice gently from between his fingers.

Adam didn’t move. 

Ronan handed the bird another apple slice, and she ate merrily on his shouder. Soon, other animals were creeping closer. The deer that had been toeing the forest edge had slowly crept to where the feed was scattered. 

“Holy shit,” Adam said without thinking, and Ronan turned dark eyes on him, his mouth pulled thin.

“Oh, shit, I mean, I’m sorry,” Adam grimaced, and Ronan turned back to the animals. Adam took a slow and cautious step toward Ronan, and managed to do it without distracting more than a single very observant raven.  
“I just meant, this is amazing, I’ve never seen anything like this. Who knew? Ronan Lynch, friend to the animals,” Adam said with a smile.  
“Father Lynch,” Ronan said, and Adam faltered again. He was making rapid fire mistakes here.  
“Right, sorry, Father Lynch, of course.”  
There was silence, but it wasn’t awkward because the spectacle of the morning feed was enough to keep Adam’s attention, and only twice during the morning did his thoughts drift traitorously to the idea of Ronan as Snow White, locked away in a cabin in the woods, surrounded by only woodland creatures for friends.  
And also dwarfs, but he definitely left that part out of his inner vision. Even without the dwarfs, it was a pretty inappropriate way to think about a priest and Adam felt bad. Is this what people meant when they talked about catholic guilt? Because he was pretty sure this was new. 

He stayed still for as long as Ronan watched, and slowly his eyes spent more time on Ronan than the animals. His face never really softened, but he seemed less angry than he had when Adam had known him at school. When Ronan finished, Adam quietly followed him over to the pen where he fed the rest of the animals.

“Can I help?” Adam asked.  
Ronan considered for a minute.  
“You can go collect the eggs, there should be a few.”  
Adam went willingly, shuffling the dusty and surprisingly loud chickens gently out of the way to collect the warm and speckled eggs.  
He was hyper aware of Ronan around him, of where he was and what he was doing. The sun was just starting to break into real daylight, and pink was washing away to gold. Ronan looked so completely at ease in the last place Adam could have ever pictured him. Not that he pictured him. 

When he had collected all the eggs and Ronan had fed all the animals they slowly headed away from the barn and back toward the church.

“Are there other things I can help with? I’d be happy to pitch in wherever I’m needed,” Adam said.

Ronan didn’t say anything at first, and Adam was getting restless, about to say something else when the other man finally said, “I might be able to come up with a few things. It would be nice to have an extra set of hands.”  
Adam smiled although he wasn’t sure why, the idea of extra unpaid work, especially alongside a surly and historically violent young priest wasn’t exactly high on his bucket list.  
“Great,” he said, and he meant it.

Adam found himself getting up early every morning, even without an alarm set. He was starting to look forward to the first part of his day, where he would meet Ronan and silently watch as the animals flocked to him to eat, and then he would help clean the stables or collect the eggs. 

Adam was especially fond of the part where they stood in silence, just watching the deer. It allowed him time to sneak glances at Ronan, and it was also the time that he seemed the most Ronan and the least Father Lynch. 

“Hey,” Adam said one day, as they were heading back to the church, “Do you wanna have dinner with me tonight? I mean like, just in my room, or whatever, but I was thinking about ordering in and since you’re always here too, I mean, I just figured if you want,” Adam shrugged, trailing off.

Ronan looked at Adam like he had grown another head, and Adam was sure that he was going to tell him thanks, but no thanks, dim sum in your tiny room sounds like actual Hell, but instead he said, “Yeah okay, what time?”

After that, Ronan left to go do whatever it was he did with the middle part of most of his days, when he wasn’t leading a service or tending to the church. Adam didn’t ask where he went. He had been staying at St. Agnes for over two weeks, and he had spent more time with Ronan than he had ever expected to, but they didn’t really talk. It was hard for Adam to reconcile this version of Ronan with the Ronan he had known so briefly, and then again with the version of Ronan that he had heard about from Gansey. Adam wanted to know more. He found the whole Father Ronan Lynch enigma totally enthralling. He might have thought there was something weirdly attractive about that stupid collar, but he was fairly certain that was just a general kink thing and not Ronan specific. He hoped.

There was a knock on the door at exactly 7:00. Adam was definitely not nervous about dinner with Ronan, so he answered the door calmly and let Ronan step inside. Adam had his laptop on the desk, and it was already playing reruns of The Simpson’s.  
“Wow, every Treehouse of Horror episode? That’s quite a collection.”  
“They’re my favorite,” Adam said.  
“Mine too,” Ronan said, and he smiled. He took the chair by the desk, still in his priest clothing, looking immaculate and untouchable and vaguely less human than should be possible, so Adam sat on the bed.  
Adam called to order too much Chinese food and Ronan browsed through Adam’s movie collection since there was no wifi at the church, and eventually settled on Monster’s Inc.  
“I can’t believe you have this,” Ronan said.  
“That movie is a classic,” Adam protested.  
“My little brother would agree with you,” Ronan said.  
“Don’t tell me, he’s like eight isn’t he?”  
Ronan sighed, “Close, he’s almost 21.”  
Adam laughed, it was the closest thing to a joke he had heard Ronan make.  
Ronan looked at him curiously, blue irises slipping from Adam’s eyes to his lips and back. Adam swallowed.  
“Monsters Inc. it is, then,” he said, and put it on. The food got there about halfway through the movie, and after it ended, Adam put on more episodes of The Simpsons without asking, nervous that Ronan would be bored and leave. He didn’t really know what to talk about. He had a lot of questions, but he wasn’t sure what was okay and what wasn’t okay. Gansey had said this was Ronan’s story; he really wanted to hear it.

“So, why did you become a priest?” Adam asked finally, eyes dragging over Ronan's jaw, down to his throat where his Adam's apple was hiding.  
Ronan looked at him, sizing him up, clearly trying to discern how much he already knew. Adam wondered if Ronan was going to lie to him, but his face was remarkably open as he started to speak.  
“It’s an honorable thing,” Ronan said, as if this was enough of an answer.  
“No doubt," Adam said, and he was serious, "but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for everyone, right? I mean, doesn’t God like, call on you?”  
“You’re asking me if I got a call from God to tell me to be a priest?” Ronan said, eyebrow raising, “Then no, nothing like that.”  
“You know what I mean,” Adam said, scooting to the edge of the bed, facing Ronan.  
Ronan swallowed and looked away from Adam.  
“I wasn’t well, I was really...I was really sick. Sick in my head, sick in my heart. I needed a completely different path, a path of pure light because any road I wanted to walk down, anything that even looked remotely comfortable to me, it was sure to lead me into Hell.”  
He met Adam’s eyes as he spoke.  
“I might have been a shitty kid, but I always knew I had time to make up for it, time to be good and then one day I looked back and there was almost no good in left in me. I couldn’t stand to be that person, so I left it all. It wasn’t God coming to me, telling me this was my calling, it was me killing myself to keep running from God, who was trying so hard to help me. Until one day I reached a giant metaphorical cliff and I ran right off it. It was then that I could flail and struggle and sink in the water below, or let go and let God guide me instead.”

Something about the whole speech seemed practiced. It was more words than Adam had ever heard Ronan speak, and he as sure that they were words Ronan had said to himself over and over and over. It was his justification. It was a good one, but Adam felt like he was missing something. Isn’t this why people had AA? It still seemed so extreme to Adam. Surely there should be some larger and transcendent reason for devoting your entire life to God. Right? 

They watched a few more episodes in relative silence, laughing and sharing conspiratorial glances at one another during some of the more gruesome parts of the show, eventually Ronan said, “It’s late. I should go to sleep.”  
“Yeah! Of course, I mean, thank you for coming over.”  
“Yeah, it was nice,” Ronan said.  
“Goodnight, uh… Father,” Adam said.  
Ronan swallowed hard before he said, “Goodnight,” and disappeared down the hall. 

It was almost two weeks after Ronan and Adam had Chinese food in his room that Gansey invited both of them over to his house for a night of real group fun. Adam wasn’t sure why he expected Ronan to decline. To Adam, he was still Father Lynch, always dressed in the high Roman collar and always reserved. It was so hard for him to think of him as Ronan Lynch, Gansey’s best friend, but when Adam thought back and recalled Blue’s reaction to their meeting, she had seemed like she already knew him well. Maybe they did all usually hang out? That was such a weird thought. 

Adam tried not to think about it, Ronan said he had some stuff to do during the day so he would meet Adam at Monmouth later. Ronan and Adam were friends, but he wasn’t sure they were showing up at a party together friends. Not that this was a party. Not that they were together. Whatever.

Adam biked and got there way before Ronan, and Blue and Gansey were engaged in a cutthroat game of pool that had rules Adam had never heard of in his life. Gansey’s friend Noah Czerny was there too, a few years older than the other boys but vaguely familiar as well. Adam grabbed a bottle of beer and came to sit on the couch by the pool table, laughing at the ridiculous words that Blue said in lieu of cursing. 

Adam looked up sharply at a noise from the front. Ronan came into Monmouth, and Blue jumped up to greet him.  
Adam, however, couldn’t move. Ronan wasn’t wearing his robe and stuffy shirt and high collar. Ronan was in a plain black tank top, plain dark jeans with a flannel tied around his waist. He even had black converse and a backwards hat, the only thing missing from this image was the skateboard, and Adam suddenly remembered seeing one sitting in the backseat of Ronan’s car. It felt like a kick in the gut. Ronan looked so…human, so touchable, so much more attainable than he had ever looked before and something inside Adam woke up hungry and desperate. He could feel his heart rate betray him as Ronan walked in the room, and he felt Ronan’s eyes find his immediately. He tried not to give away the fact that he had stupidly just slipped into a state of semi panic by nodding as casually as he could, and readjusting in his seat. 

“Ronan, you have to look at this,” Blue said, pulling him over to Gansey’s laptop.  
“Hey, how come she gets to call you Ronan?” Adam asked, genuinely hurt.  
Ronan looked at him, a curious expression on his face, half smile, half offensive smirk, “She's earned it.”  
Adam pouted, it seemed unfair. He wanted to be respectful of Ronan, but he felt a sharp stab at the idea of someone else getting to use his real name. Did any of that matter? Adam felt his heart pick up again and tried to calm himself down internally without reflecting it on the outside. It was something he had become rather good at over the years. His fists knotted at his side but his face was easy calm.  
“Duly noted,” he said, as Ronan became absorbed in whatever Blue was showing him online.

Adam took the opportunity to really look at Ronan, at the shape of his body, usually so covered. His legs were long, so lean and tapering up to hipbones that Adam was sure he cover completely with the palms of his hands.  
His skin where it was exposed was milky and smooth, arms long and lean, shoulders dusted with light freckles and darker moles. 

Adam finally tore his eyes up to Ronan’s face again, only to find the other boy watching him. Adam flushed, his face turning pink at being caught staring so openly. It felt all the more wrong because Ronan was supposed to be something…Holy. He was Holy, and that’s what made Adam so enamored at the moment because this something Holy was walking around in skinny jeans, and Adam only had so much willpower when it came to the direction of his thoughts.  
“I need beer!” Adam said, standing up quickly and walking out of Gansey’s room and toward the bathroom/kitchen. He shut the door behind and splashed water on his face.

There was going to be no fantasizing about priests. Seriously, it was one thing to have a crush on a straight kid but it was a new form of masochism to allow himself to have feelings for someone who had vowed to be celebate FOR LIFE. And also statistically was probably straight anyway. Adam grabbed a beer from the fridge and returned to the living room, only to realize he had left a full beer sitting by the couch.  
“Thanks,” Ronan said, stepping up next to Adam and taking the beer from his hands.  
“You can drink, I mean it’s okay to?” Adam said.  
“Wow Ronan, you guys have been next door neighbors for almost a month, don’t tell me you never meet up for a beer,” Gansey said.  
“Usually just to scoop cow poop and get eggs,” Adam said.  
Ronan laughed and turned toward Gansey, “It’s great, I finally have someone to pick up all the shit. All I have to do is feed the fluffy animals.”  
Ronan laughed and sank down on the far end of the couch, away from where Gansey sat on the arm. Blue lined up another shot and said something about not being strips or solids but “warm colors rather than cool colors” and Adam took the other beer bottle and sat down next to Ronan. He was totally confused. He had been treading so carefully, trying not to offend, trying to reconcile this new version of a boy he had never really known. He knew that Gansey spoke of Ronan as his best friend, comrade in arms, epic street racer and rogue boxer and Adam could almost see it now, for the first time.

Ronan was beautiful. It was honestly unfair. Adam felt a selfish rush of anger at the idea that he had committed to hiding himself away forever. That no one would ever be able to mouth at that neck, oh that neck. It was always hidden from him, and the taboo around seeing it had made it seem completely erotic. He watched as Ronan swigged his beer, throat bobbing, cords of muscle straining. His collar bones were a whisper of claws. Adam looked up and realized Ronan was looking at him. He had been caught staring. Again. At a priest. Fuck. Priests shouldn't be able to dress like skate punks on the weekend. Ronan's eyes were sharp and knowing, his mouth a thin line. Adam felt horrible, he was being so inconceivably rude. Lude thoughts aside, it was inappropriate for Adam to ogle at Ronan for so many reasons. Maybe this is why Ronan had never let him see him in his regular clothes, maybe he knew what distance the cassock granted him, and had only dropped it now in the comfort of his close friends. Adam had to stop staring. 

It was easier said than done. Ronan drank significantly less than Blue and Noah but more than Gansey, who became so involved with a newly released dissertation out of Oxford on Owen Glendower that he never finished his first beer.  
Adam was better about not staring at him, but he still stole glances. He watched Ronan when he was bending over the desk to watch a video Blue found. The way his pants stretched over his thighs. He was trying to commit to memory the dip of his throat, the way his mouth looked on the head of the beer bottle. Adam was overwhelmed with fear that this would be the last time he saw him like this. 

The night dragged in a flurry of laughter and YouTube videos and Noah jumping off of the pool table and later, Ronan and Noah taking their boards out to jump and grind on the rails of the machinery on the first floor.  
When it was time to go, Blue yawning and reaching for Gansey, Ronan offered to drive Adam back to St. Agnes. They said their goodbyes and walked out into the balmy night. 

There was no breeze, but Adam rolled down the window in Ronan's BMW and marveled again at how human Ronan suddenly was. Just a young man driving fast on dark roads, smiling at nothing, or maybe at the feel of the car becoming one with the road.  
"I'm sorry," Adam said into the silence. Ronan didn't say anything but his face hardened.

"It's just, I didn't really expect there to be this whole different version of you, and so maybe that makes me an idiot, probably, but I'm sorry I was being rude. I didn't mean anything by it, I promise, I'm really glad I got to see this side of you. "  
Adam was suddenly terrified that Ronan would cover up again and never let him see another inch of skin.  
They parked outside of St. Agnes, and Ronan still hasn't said a word, Adam trailed him upstairs and grabbed his shoulder as they reached the balcony. Ronan did not push him down the stairs.  
"I like it," Adam said, "seeing the real you." He realized this might be offensive. "I just mean, I like seeing you like this," and yeah, that sounded more like a confession than any kind of casual term of endearment but Adam was sort of panicking, he still couldn't help the feeling that Ronan was slipping away.  
"Goodnight Adam," he said finally, and pulled away from Adam's hands.  
Adam sighed. "Goodnight, Ronan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am actually starved for validation so if you like it, pls pls lemme know.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam has no chill and a crush on the priest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is it for tonight! I am going to leave you while it's still fluffy. Trust me, feelings are coming... Comments are love, as an artist I am actually physically unable to determine the worth of my own writing. Please, help me. 
> 
> Also, still reallllly sorry. So sorry. Sorry.

Adam slept fitfully after the night at Monmouth. dreams coming in flashes. He dreamt of the woods, of the taste of whiskey. He felt hands on his face, breath on his mouth. Dylan, the first boy Adam ever kissed is flush against him before turning into smoke. Then there is the trailer he grew up in, his father, spitting as he screams at Adam about how he is a waste of space. The door of his mothers room shut tight. Headlights blasting through the window into the living room, making everything sickly yellow. Headlights from Ronan's car reflect off the window and back into Adam's face. Half memory, Adam in the front seat, 16 years old and this time Ronan says don't go, stay with me, and Adam does because he would give Ronan anything. Ronan's throat, head tipped back, Adam's teeth scraping down his neck to his chest. Dream Ronan gasping and growling under him, into his shoulder, his mouth. He could taste him, like communion wine. Dream Ronan tore away with a cry and Adam woke with the scream pushing out of his own mouth instead.  
Adam was hard, but he felt less turned on and more sad, desperate...alone. He jerked off anyway but he tried not to let himself think about Ronan the priest or Ronan the man or anything except an intense longing for heat and a heavy body pinning him down. He pushed his arm against his face and bit down once he was close, trying to imagine some nameless man on top of him, someone else's skin but his mind was screaming RONAN-RONAN-RONAN and Adam could almost smell the other boy. Knowing he was just in the room down the hall made the whole thing more intense. He came hard, muscles seizing and gut twisting with ecstasy until his whole body was shivering with shame. 

Well fuck. So Adam totally had a crush on the priest. What the ever loving hell was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just find some normal person, Noah seemed nice, and definitely not celibate but of course Adam would fall for the one person on the planet he couldn't touch. 

Adam had chased people before. The girl who was uninterested, the boy who was 'straight' and it was one thing to peruse someone when there was always a chance it could work out, but perusing Ronan seemed wrong, because even if by some actual miracle he did want Adam back, it would be so unfair to ask that of him. H was going to have to let this one go.  
This plan worked for all of 20 minutes until Adam headed out to the barn where Ronan was already feeling the animals. He was dressed in the cassock again, Roman collar high and every inch of delicious skin covered. Adam wondered how sturdy that material was, imagined ripping through it like a cheap standard issue shirt from The United Federation of Planets.  
Whenever Adam thought of ripped up clothes, he though of Captain Kirk.  
"I'm impressed, you didn't spook the animals," Ronan said.  
"I think they're getting used to me," he said with a shrug.  
"You think?" Ronan said, "maybe they could give me some tips."  
Adam didn't know what that meant but was pretty sure Father Lynch was not flirting with him. Right? They collected eggs in silence and Ronan put some feed into Adam's hand and one of the Ravens came to eat right from his palm. Adam giggled embarrassingly, Ronan raised an eyebrow.  
"Sorry, ticklish," he said, shivering as he repressed another burst of laughter.  
Ronan hardly said anything as they finished morning chores. 

"I have some stuff I need to do," Ronan said as they walked back to the church.  
"Yeah man no problem," Adam said, as always.  
"I mean," Ronan said, suddenly sounding nervous, "I could use some help, if you're up for it?"  
"Yeah absolutely!" Adam said. He had no idea what he was agreeing to. He was 100% sure it wasn't going to be sexy and only 20% sure it wasn't a God thing so his own enthusiasm sounded pathetic, even to his own ears but Ronan actually smiled and said, "Aright, let's go". 

Ronan had told Adam to wear something he didn't mind getting dirty and Adam didn't even smirk when Ronan said dirty and he remembered to change out of his Chinos and into cargo shorts. He was half out of his mind wondering what Ronan was going to wear and praying to the actual church God that it was another tank top. 

It wasn't a tank top, but it wasn't a cassock! Ronan was in a plain black tee shirt and dark blue jeans, he had work boots on and they were obviously actual work boots and not just there to contribute work boot aesthetic which seemed like something Ronan would be into. Adam did better at not staring at Ronan, but only just. After the initial shock, he was more prepared for it.

"So where are we going?" Adam asked.  
"Home," Ronan said, and peeled out of the church lot.  
Ronan Lynch didn't drive like a priest. It was like he was made for the car, the drive, the road. Adam was able to watch his hand as his fingers grubbed the gearshift so tight his knuckles went white. Adam did not think about those fingers around his dick but his thoughts did drift toward masturbation and he wondered if every time Ronan touched himself he had to confess to it and shit, now he was hard. Adam felt like a teenager, he coughed and shifted in his seat and Ronan looked at him with a question in his eyes that was less, do you want me to help with that? And more are you gonna throw up? Because I'll pull over. 

Adam looked out the window, they had left the main part of Henrietta and were heading up a sloping road that was becoming more narrow and more twisting.  
“I thought the church was your home?” Adam asked, mostly to fill the silence and a little bit because he was confused now that he had gotten over the what is Ronan gonna wear feelings.  
“The church is my house,” Ronan said, “The Barns is my home.”  
Adam didn’t know what The Barns was, but with all the early morning animal feeding and secret skate punk persona it wouldn’t really surprise Adam at this point if Ronan secretly lived in a barn.

The pulled off the main stretch of road and onto a private drive, steadily creeping up a mountain.

Suddenly, the hillside was dotted with dozens of multicolored barns, some falling down in their old age, some freshly painted, some with patchwork tin roofs. Cattle and sheep littered the landscape. The driveway twisted left and a large house rose up in front of them.

“This is where I grew up,” Ronan said. Adam tried to picture little Ronan, a gaggle of brothers racing on skateboards down the driveway or helping scoop cow shit or gathering fruit off of the trees. The image of child Ronan made his heart skip.

“It’s beautiful.”  
“Come on, I’ll show you inside and then you can help me out back.”  
Adam followed Ronan out of the car and into the house. It was breathtaking, a patchwork collection of antiques and modern comforts, a living room of dark wood and a hundred blankets. A kitchen with teetering shelves, full of old mixers and tea pots and bags of sugar. A cross hung in every room.

“This is amazing,” Adam said, running a finger along an old family photograph, seeing Ronan was the spitting image of his father, except Adam had never seen Ronan look nearly as happy as Niall Lynch did in this picture, face open in a genuine smile.

Ronan watched Adam as he looked from thing to thing, gathering tiny glimpses of the real Ronan Lynch.

“Want some lemonade?” Ronan asked, grabbing glasses from the cabinet.  
“Yeah sure,” Adam said, sitting down at one of the tall stools around the kitchen island.  
They drank in silence and Adam was trying to think of something clever to say when Ronan said, “Come on, I’ll show you what I’m working on.”

They headed out of the house to the yard where the barns were scattered.

“Some of these are in really bad shape, after my dad died no one was really putting work into the house. Since I’ve been back I’ve been repairing each of them, but its slow going. I need to reroof one of the barns, and it’s really a two man job.”

Adam was thankful for something to do with his hands, because keeping them still and off of Ronan was not an easy feat.

The morning had moved from warm to blistering, and Adam threw off his shirt 20 minutes into working. He could feel Ronan’s eyes on him, but he never caught him looking. Maybe he was just imagining it? Adam rolled his shoulders, stretching to elongate his torso as he reached for more roof slats. Maybe he was being a bit showy, arching cat like to reach for more adhesive, but it seemed like a small concession compared to what he wanted to be doing at the moment.

They worked for almost two hours, until Adam was glistening with sweat and Ronan was red faced and out of breath but still very much in all of his clothing.

“I’m starving,” Ronan said finally.  
“Oh thank god, me too,” Adam said and jumped down off of the barn.  
“Food? Please?”  
“Yeah, follow me,” Ronan said, and they headed back into the house.

The shade was a welcome relief but the house itself was still warm and Adam debated putting his shirt back on and thought better of it. He followed Ronan to the kitchen where he pulled out stuff for sandwiches and started making them.

Adam moved toward the dining room to look at the books on the shelf, flipping through several first editions he was sure Gansey would (and probably had) freak out over. He turned around, gingerly holding an original edition of Huckleberry Finn, to find Ronan watching him, two plates in his hands.

Ronan flushed when Adam met his eyes, and held the food up like it was some sort of excuse. Adam smiled and sat down at the dining room table, Ronan slid his plate to him and went to go get more lemonade. It took him longer than it should have, but Adam just waited until he had come back.

“This place really is amazing, Ronan,” he said, taking a large bite of a turkey sandwich.

“It’s my favorite place in the world,” Ronan replied, and it was so honest and so simple that Adam felt his heart squeeze again.  
“I’ve never felt that way about any place,” Adam said.  
“Seriously? You don’t have a favorite place?” Ronan looked confused.

Adam thought about it, he definitely had places he liked. He liked Nino’s, he liked the Library at college, had even been to Grand Central Station once and had loved that but it didn’t feel like the same thing that Ronan was talking about.  
“I mean, I can feel you here,” Adam said, and Ronan’s face went from confused to looking at Adam like he was speaking Latin or French or Klingon, probably, because Ronan definitely spoke both Latin and French.

“I just mean,” Adam went on, “When you talk about this place, about loving it, I can feel that. I can feel you here, I can feel the memories, the time spent, the tears the anger the love. I think that kind of affection for a place, where it goes so deep that it becomes more person than place, there has to be love for that, you know? A lot of love for a long time and I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had any place like that. I wouldn’t go back to my old house if you paid me,” he finished with a shudder.  
“The trailer park,” Ronan said, and it wasn’t a question.  
“Yeah, but I mean,” Adam laughed humorlessly, putting his sandwich down, “Lots of kids in trailers have good memories, at least a mix bag, you know? I just got….shit. Shit and dirt and more dirt and more shit until I left. Nothing good ever happened to me before I left this place.”  
“I’m sorry,” Ronan said, and it wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed, just true.  
“Yeah well, who needs love right?” Adam said, and he didn’t mean it to sound so bitter.  
“So like, I mean, you’ve never been in love?” Ronan asked, not meeting Adam’s eyes.  
Not exactly what Adam had said, but okay, he would go with this.  
“Well, I don’t know. So I guess no. I think if you’re in love, you know it right? I mean I did love Dylan but I think that was just because it was new, and I was enamored with the attention.”  
“What happened? Why did you guys break up?”  
“Who knows, I don’t think I was a very good boyfriend, to be honest. I was so self centered, totally ignored so many obvious signs right in front of me, until it was too late.”  
“Do you miss her?” Ronan asked.  
“What?” Adam said, confused for a moment before…  
“Oh! No, oh, wow sorry,” Adam felt his heart start to hammer. Fuck. “I wasn’t trying to play the pronoun game. Dylan is a guy.”  
Adam hadn’t felt weird talking about his sexuality pretty much ever, it wasn’t really something he thought much of. He had dated girls in high school and a little at first in college, but Dylan changed everything and since then, it had been pretty much only men. Adam was over caring about it, and so far anyone who had anything negative to say about his lifestyle wasn’t someone he wanted in his life. But Ronan…He cared very much what Ronan thought, and had to actively push himself into correcting his mistake because as bad as having Ronan know he wasn’t straight was, having him think he was straight was like a thousand times worse. Ronan’s face was blank, but his eyes were sharp. Adam held his breath.  
“Right,” Ronan said, looking back at his sandwich.  
Adam mentally prepared himself to be kicked out of Ronan’s house. I mean it was bad enough he was an Atheist living in a church, but a gay Atheist, I mean that’s like a double sided ticket to actual hell right?  
“Sorry, if that’s weird I mean, I didn’t- I mean I just, I never really-“ He tried to find the words, failed miserably and looked at Ronan with his fear and anxiety written all over his face.  
“I don’t care,” Ronan said, “Really.”  
“Right,” Adam said, but he didn’t believe it. Ronan had this way of telling the truth without telling the whole truth and it was disconcerting at best and downright terrifying at worst.

Adam was resigning himself to a prompt and silent ride back to the church. If he had been anywhere else besides the top of a mountain, miles outside of town, he probably would have just left.

“Would you mind,” Ronan said slowly, “If we fixed one more thing before we go? I don’t want to take up your whole day, but it’s been on my list forever.” His eyes, when they met Adam’s, were open and inviting.  
“Yeah! I mean no, I don’t mind. I’m happy to help, really.”  
Adam was flustered, he suddenly felt like the most idiotic person on the planet, sitting shirtless in a priests house, talking about his ex boyfriend. At least he definitely wasn’t intentionally flexing his muscles.

Okay fine, he had already done that so much that it was hard to do now and he thought he might actually be sore tomorrow.

The last thing on Ronan’s list turned out to be a broken sheep pen, which really didn’t seem like a two man job but Adam wasn’t complaining. He held the wood in place while Ronan hammered, taking care to secure each new nail.  
The sun was sinking low when they finally got back into the car to drive to the church. It was a silent ride. Adam spent most of it reminding himself that none of this mattered, he was only here for summer, what did he care if a stupid priest didn’t want him back?  
“Adam,” Ronan said, once the car was in park, “do you wanna have dinner with me? My treat, to say thanks.”  
Adam’s brain was slower than his mouth, which had already replied enthusiastically. He agreed to come by Ronan’s room later that night, after showers and Ronan’s duties around the church.

Ronan’s room was set up differently than Adam’s. The bed was smaller, and pushed against the wall to form a makeshift couch. There was a coffee table in the middle of the room and a TV pushed against the wall across from the bed.  
Ronan ordered pizza and they ate sitting on the floor around the table. He even had beer in the little fridge in his room, which felt really naughty to Adam. He started to laugh.  
“What’s so funny?” Ronan asked.  
“Nothing. Everything. You,” Adam said affectionately. “The fact that I feel dirty for drinking beer even though that’s absurd, how I never know what to think about you, Ronan Lynch.”  
“I don’t know what to think about me either, most days.” Ronan said with a sigh. He was in a dark pullover sweater and grey sweatpants, looking nothing like a mouthpiece for Jesus.  
“No I mean it, come on. How can you be all of these things? How can you be a priest, and also a skater, and also a farmer, and also an animal whisperer and fence builder and sandwich maker and…” Adam trailed off. Ronan was watching him closely; his face was softened with some emotion Adam couldn’t name.  
“I don’t know,” Ronan said, the brutal force of his honesty hitting Adam yet again.  
“Some days, I feel like a liar. I feel like I put on my robes in the morning and go down to counsel people about how to be better, when I’ve failed at it myself.”  
“How can you say that? How can you call this a failure?” Adam asked.  
Ronan’s face twisted with the words he wasn’t speaking, Adam waited.  
“This life, this is better than whatever I was doing before. But some days it feels like a prison sentence. Like this was my only way out, the church or the graveyard behind it and I chose life. But the people I see, who come to me, they aren’t like me. I struggle to live both an honest life, a good life, and still be myself at the same time.”  
He had moved closer to Adam, they were sitting nearly shoulder to shoulder and Adam didn’t move, stayed as still as he had that first morning with Ronan and the deer, scared to spook something so beautiful.  
“I don’t feel like myself when I’m in the cassock and I don’t feel like myself in jeans and I think, really, I don’t feel like myself in my own skin.”  
Adam, irrationally, thought about crawling into Ronan’s skin with him and the idea was delightful and magnetic for all of its absurdity.  
“For the record, I think everyone feels that way.” Adam said finally, when it was clear that Ronan wasn’t going to say anything else. “I sure as hell do, I mean except for the cassock thing, though, if you want to let me try it on I can tell you how it feels.”

Ronan laughed, head still down. It was just a quick burst of air accompanied by a small smile but it was the first time Adam ever heard him laugh and his mind was flooded with another irrational thought that St. Agnes might be his favorite place in the world.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ronan doesn't hit Adam, there is accidental grinding, and Adam has no chill at Nino's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is getting a little deep into feels but it's just the tip of the dick bc more feels are coming!

It became a regular routine; Adam helped Ronan with the animals at the church every morning, and then went with him to help out at The Barns a few days a week. He had the occasional interview in DC that took up most of his day, but he still managed to see Ronan every morning. 

 

It was exactly the fifth time Adam had been to The Barns, that Ronan deviated from their usual schedule of hard labor and sandwiches. 

“Wanna see something?” he asked.

Adam had come to realize that this was Ronan-Code for I’m gonna show you something that will give you insight to my soul. 

“Yeah, sure,” Adam said. 

Ronan led him upstairs, and Adam had to fight to urge to grab his and follow close behind. He knew that Ronan was definitely not taking him to his bedroom or that even if he was, that the thing he wanted to show Adam was probably not what he looked like naked, but he allowed himself a moment to imagine that’s what was happening. The light was filtering in through high windows and turning everything around them gold. It was hot, too hot, but Adam shivered anyway. 

 

Ronan led him to the end of the hall and opened the door to a bedroom that wasn’t a bedroom at all. 

“It used to be Declan’s room, my older brother, he was not pleased with my renovation.”

“Holy shit,” Adam said, and then “Oh fuck, sorry, no I mean, wow.”

The room had been converted into an aviary, there were large trees in huge pots in each corner, so big they must have grown at least somewhat since being brought in. The windows were huge and open, and the trees were strung with rope and fairy lights and bells and mirrors. The trees bloomed giant, milky flowers. There were several large ravens perched on the tree branches.

 

“No way,” Adam said, his eyes wider than they had ever been.

“This has just been up here? Like, this is just another thing that you do? Design and construct whimsical aviaries?” 

Ronan just shrugged, but he looked pleased. Adam was getting better at reading him, before it had seemed that Ronan was either sullen or confused, but he had begun to realize this was a sort of mask that Ronan wore. He had made it his own personal challenge to destroy the mask. 

“Ronan, this is…amazing. You are amazing,” he was shaking his head, walking around to examine each delicate bell and colorful cluster of feathers.

“They’re smart,” Ronan said, coming to stand next to Adam. “They get bored easily. I have been working on designing some puzzles for them to play with, challenges.”

“How do you do all of this?” Adam asked, marvel clear in his voice, arms stretched out.

“It’s easy when you have nothing else to do,” Ronan said, not meeting Adams eyes.

Adam was suddenly reminded forcefully that this was just his summer break. He had been going to less interviews than he should be, choosing to schedule collectively to avoid missing more days like this with Ronan. The thought of leaving made him sick, but he knew that he couldn’t stay either. It was pathetic to give up everything he had worked so hard for just to pine after someone who might tolerate, might even enjoy his platonic company, but who would never reciprocate his feelings.

 

He was suddenly both angry and devastated. He moved closer to Ronan. He was dressed so plainly in black jeans and a white tee shirt, his whole neck on display for Adam, who drank in the sight of his skin like a man starved. He put his hand on Ronan’s arm, just below the shoulder, still on his sleeve, avoiding his flesh. Ronan hissed in a breath through his nose but didn’t move. He didn’t meet Adam’s eyes either.

 

“Ronan, are you happy?” Adam asked. It felt strangely familiar to touch him like this, too personal, but he reasoned that if it was Gansey it wouldn’t be weird at all. Also, Gansey wasn’t a priest. But he was a senator’s son. Gansey wasn’t Ronan, though.

 

Ronan shook his head, moved slightly closer to Adam, putting only a few inches of space between their bodies. 

“I don’t know. I’m not miserable,” he said, still looking past Adam.

“I don’t know if that’s enough, though,” Adam said. Ronan did meet his eyes now, and they were liquid fire, so many unspoken words lighting off like sparks. 

“I don’t think I have the luxury of finding out,” he said, and there was bitterness in his voice.

“Is it a luxury to be happy?” Adam asked.

“For some people, for people like me? Yes.” He was looking right at Adam now, their faces were only inches apart, he could feel Ronan’s breath on his face. He moved his hand lower, down so that his palm could rest against Ronan’s bare skin. It felt like a live current under his fingers.

“We should go,” Ronan said, eyes falling from Adam’s face.

Adam dropped his hand. 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

That Friday they went out with Gansey and Blue, who Adam realized they had seen very little of lately. That he had seen very little of. Just because Ronan was busy absolving people and domasticating baby deer and fixing roofs and building bird cages the size of bedrooms didn’t mean that Adam had any excuse. He was glad it was the four of them, never the less. It felt less weird to be with Blue and her boyfriend (even if said boyfriend was the ever delightful Richard Gansey III) when he had Ronan there with him. They decided to go Nino’s, Blue was still friendly with a large portion of the staff and their pizza ended up being comp’d. It was good to be with Blue, to feel her energy and the natural spark of energy she brought to everything. 

 

Adam got to sit next to Ronan on the booth at Nino’s because Blue sat next to Gansey. Adam was on the inside, which he normally hated but was very thankful for because it means he could discretely scooch closer to Ronan without feeling guilty about trapping him. Ronan allowed Adam to slide closer, legs wide until his knee bumped Ronan’s. Ronan didn’t pull away, so Adam pressed a little harder, all while continuing to tell Gansey a story about the only Welsh person he had ever met, a chubby boy who was visiting his cousin on holiday. 

 

Adam was on his third beer and feeling bold, so when Gansey began to regale them with stories about actual Welsh people he had met in actual Wales, Adam let one of his hands fall into his lap and then just barely press against Ronan’s thigh.

 

Ronan did not throw his lemonade in Adam’s face. Adam’s fingers crept like overgrown vines onto the denim clad expanse of Ronan’s thigh. Gansey was very involved in the story he was telling and Blue was watching Gansey as though he hung the moon, and knowing him it was possible. Ronan’s eyes were on Gansey but he had stopped breathing. Adam was chancing glances at him, but Ronan seemed frozen. Adam let his hand fall still, spread out a few inches above Ronan’s knee. 

It was nothing.

It was everything. 

Adam briefly wondered if Ronan was just going to wait and then hit him in the mouth later when they were alone. He was worried about drinking in public seeming unpriestly, punching people in the face was probably worse. 

Adam probably deserved it. He didn’t care. Ronan could tell him to stop without hitting him, but he wasn’t, so he didn’t.

 

He kept his hand there, and slowly Ronan started breathing, and finished eating, and even smiled at something that Gansey said, and Adam was able to act like a human all through the rest of dinner, even feeling brave enough to squeeze gently while laughing at something that Blue said. He only took his hand away when it was time to leave, and Ronan waited until his hand was off his thigh and then another nine seconds before he stood up. Adam tried not to think about that. 

 

They drove in silence, as always, but Adam had come to realize that this wasn’t Ronan ignoring him, but rather Ronan completely in the zone. He was the closest to his real self when he was driving, and Adam relished in it. Adam refused to think about the impermanence of the entire situation. He never wanted this to end. Every time he thought about leaving his vision went red and he had to count backwards from ten and when he got to zero a crushing sadness would envelope him for anywhere from 5 seconds to a day and a half, depending on circumstance. 

 

Adam expected there to be tension after his little stunt with the thigh holding, but Ronan seemed to be in a good mood still, and Adam wasn’t going to be the one to ruin it. He let Ronan drive in silence. 

“You wanna have one more beer?” Ronan asked when they got back to St. Agnes, and Adam’s head swam.

“Yes.”

Ronan headed inside and Adam followed him to his room. It was quiet and dark when they came through the door, and Adam expected Ronan to turn on the TV to fill the silence but he didn’t, only the light, which was hardly any light at all in the slanting room. 

 

Ronan handed Adam a beer and sat down on the bed/couch. Adam sat down next to him and didn’t touch his leg. They drank beer.

 

“When I was little,” Ronan said, “I wanted to be astronaut.”

Adam closed his eyes to picture little Ronan looking at the stars.

“When I was little I wanted to work at McDonalds. “ Adam said. “I figured if you work there, they just let you eat fries and drink coke all day. Seemed like a dream job.”

Ronan laughed, his mouth splitting to reveal his perfectly straight teeth and his eyes crinkling up. He tipped his head back to rest on the wall behind him and Adam was caught again by the vision of his throat and the magnetic pull of his laugh. He felt humbled and privileged to see it like this, to see Ronan like this. It was a constant reminder of what he couldn’t really have, and every time he saw it covered with the Roman collar he fumed. 

 

Ronan looked at him, still smiling and Adam was suddenly overwhelmed with how much he wanted him. Ronan knew, didn’t he? He had to know, he had been touching him all night. And now beers in bed and laughing and...Ronan was a priest. Obviously he didn’t want Adam the way Adam wanted him, or even if some part of him did, he would never in a million years act on it. Adam looked down, away from the perfect bow of Ronan’s lips.

 

He was desperate for closeness, and if it couldn’t be physical then so be it.

“A lot of it was the fact that I was always hungry. We never got to go to McDonald’s.” Ronan looks serious now, his hands flutter in his lap for a moment before landing back down on his legs. 

“I’m sorry, Adam.”

“Not your fault, man, and besides, it was a long time ago. I wanted fries, I can get them whenever I want. Of course, turns out fries only cost like two dollars, so…”

Ronan smiled but he didn’t laugh, instead he just reached a hand out and put it quietly over Adam’s. Adam didn’t breathe. His heart stopped. Time stopped.

“I still want the stars,” Ronan said, and he sounded so sad that Adam felt sick. 

He would give him the stars, he would give him anything, he just had absolutely no idea how to do so. They sat in silence for a while and drank their beers until they were gone, and then Ronan moved his hand and yawned. Adam said goodnight, hovering in the doorway for a moment before leaving, to let his heart slam against his ribs so hard he thought they might bruise. 

 

 

The next day, Adam had an interview with a company in DC and when Ronan asked if he could help him at The Barns, Adam said yes and rescheduled the interview for the following week. 

Pretty. Damn. Screwed.

 

They went to The Barns where the largest barn was in need of a few new roof shingles, and the sheer height of this barn made it a two-person job. Ronan was in a battered and ripped pair of dark jeans and the black tank top. Adam hadn’t really expected to see it again but he was overwhelmed with joy at its sudden reappearance. He was hell bent on making sure his joy didn’t show. 

 

They were up on the slanted roof, Ronan had climbed up to the very top, straddling it to fit new slats into place. Adam was a few feet below him, laying back and enjoying the sun. 

It happened fast, there was a sound like a car crash and then Ronan was sliding down the side of the roof on his back. Adam didn’t think, just threw himself on top of Ronan. He was able to stop his descent after a few feet by shoving his knee in between Ronan’s legs and pinning him, chest to chest, against the roof. Adam used his foot to catch his weight on a bare spot, lower than the rest of the roof, and they stopped slipping. 

 

Adam couldn’t hear anything through the roar of blood in his ears and the throb of his heart. Ronan was still under him, eyes squeezed tight.

“It’s okay, we’re okay,” Adam said, but Ronan didn’t move, Adam could feel his pulse jumping in his throat. Adam shifted his weight to try and see if there was a place he could grab for leverage, and in doing so grazed his knee against Ronan’s crotch. 

 

Ronan Lynch whimpered.

 

Adam’s brain whited out. He was vaguely aware that he was on a roof, in what was clearly a very dangerous position if he didn’t figure out a way to climb up and off of Ronan, but he couldn’t bring himself to think about anything except the fact that he was absolutely sure that Ronan whimpered. 

“It’s okay, I promise,” Adam whispered, determined to just move enough to get them out, but when he shifted against him, Ronan’s hands came to his hair.

“I’m sorry, Ronan I’m sorry,” Adam said “I don’t wanna hurt you, we’re gonna get down.”

“No…’m not hurt,” Ronan said, and his voice was wrecked. It sounded like he hadn’t spoken in years.

Adam didn’t think his heart could beat any faster but he was wrong. He could taste the adrenaline, like metal in his mouth. Father Ronan Lynch was literally pinned beneath him.

“Ronan,” he whispered, and his mouth was against Ronan’s ear. Ronan’s hips pushed against his, just the slightest bit and Adam moved his mouth down to press against Ronan’s throat, finally against his throat, just below his jaw. Ronan gasped and his head fell back to allow Adam better access. 

 

The roof tile under Adam’s foot slipped down an inch.

“Fuck,” Adam said, and if there was a God he was a serious douche. He pulled back to look at Ronan, but Ronan wasn’t looking at him, his eyes were shut tight.

“Okay, listen to me, Ronan, I’m gonna grab up behind you and pull off, so get your feet up and get ready to slide. Try not to get too much speed, watch the firewood.”

Ronan nodded, his eyes still closed. Adam reached up over Ronan’s head, slid his body across the other boys with the most delightful drag, and then Ronan ducked out from under him, keeping his knees bent to slowly slide down the length of the roof. Adam followed. They had to jump once they hit the bottom, but both of them had suffered worse. Adam had a scrape on his face and Ronan was nursing a sore shoulder but all in all, death averted. They were lying in the dirt below the barn. Adam turned his head to eye the pile of firewood below the spot Ronan had been sliding and shivered.

 

“Shit,” Adam said.

“Shit,” Ronan agreed. They lied in the grass below the barn, panting and not touching for a long time before they got up to have lunch.

 

Ronan made sandwiches because he always made the sandwiches and Adam watched Ronan because he always watched Ronan but now everything was different because he had felt Ronan lift up into his touch, had felt how hot his skin could be under his lips. He wanted to kiss him, for real, with nothing between them like falling roof tiles or clothing or God.

 

“Ronan,” he said, and he said it like please.

Ronan stopped making food. His back was to Adam, his fingers gripping the counter so hard his knuckles were white. Adam stepped closer behind him.

“Ronan, look at me.”

Ronan turned around, he looked tired, defeated.

Adam was close, but he stepped closer, his hand came up to rest on Ronan’s chest, over his heart.

He felt it lurch under his fingers.

Ronan’s hand found Adam’s wrist where it was against his chest, but he didn’t push him away, he clung tight. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Adam whispered, his nose brushing against Ronan’s temple, bringing his lips to follow. Ronan was frozen, breath coming in little gasps.

“I want you so much, I can’t think about anything else.”

It wasn’t even an exaggeration, it was the root of all truths, dragged up from within. 

Ronan tipped his head toward Adam and Adam closed the small distance between them. It was the ghost of a kiss, a brush of lips against lips, but Ronan’s body followed pressing against Adam. 

Adam didn’t know it was possible to want something so much. To want someone so much. To feel them in your arms and against your body and still be so desperate, more desperate than ever, to be close to them. 

“Adam, please,” Ronan whispered against his lips, and Adam groaned against him.

“Please, please,” he kept whispering, and Adam opened his mouth to nip at his throat.

“Please, Adam, don’t,” Ronan whimpered, “please, stop.”

 

Adam froze, he pulled away from Ronan who looked destroyed. 

“Ronan, I-“ 

“Just don’t, just stop,” Ronan said and pushed Adam away from him, panting for breath.

“We’re leaving. Now.” He grabbed the keys off the table and stormed out of the house without butting away the food or waiting to see if Adam was following. Adam couldn’t breathe. He thought he might actually cry so he presses his palms against his eyes so hard he saw stars. Not now. He could have the mental breakdown of the century, but not now. He had to get out of here.

 

Ronan was waiting in the car, face tight and more closed off than Adam had ever seen it. Adam tried to speak, but Ronan stopped him with a single glance, and then tore out of The Barns so quickly Adam got whiplash. He wondered if Ronan would ever let him see the place again, or if it would just be another wonderful thing lost to him. 

 

Normally the silence in the car didn’t bother Adam, but this was different. Ronan was fuming, he was blistering. Adam didn’t think it was fair, I mean, it’s not like he forced himself on Ronan. Ronan had clearly wanted him, right? That’s not exactly the way you respond to someone you don’t want kissing your neck.

 

They made it back to St. Agnes in record time. Of all the wild things about Ronan Lynch, the fact that he had 14 speeding tickets was the easiest to believe. 

 

“Ronan, please,” Adam said, trying again as they got out of the car.

“Don’t even bother, Parrish,” Ronan said, tone blank as he stormed away from Adam and inside. Adam didn’t follow. He couldn’t think. He walked to the edge of the pasture where Ronan’s deer came to eat in the early morning and finally let himself cry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be at the end of the last chapter but I forgot! So it's super short and mostly just Adam sadsturbating.

Self control was probably not one of Adam strong suits. Probably.

He had done a pretty good job keeping the actual super dirty thoughts at bay, all things considered. In fact, most of his scandalous thoughts capped out around worshipping Ronan's neck. He never let himself think about him completely when he's jerking off, because it's felt somehow like an invasion of trust. Something about Ronan was so pure that Adam didn't even want to sully it, even with his mind. 

 

But then he heard Ronan whimper. Felt his hands tight in his hair, his hips pushing up ever so slightly against Adam's thigh. 

 

Adam was a galaxy of feelings and for someone who had spent so long building up walls, he wasn't sure how the fuck Father Ronan Lynch got through all of them. Hell, he had even dragged him inside. What the fuck was wrong with him? 

 

He collapsed on his bed in his tiny room at St. Agnes and didn't think about how Ronan was undressing just a room away. Except maybe he did. He kind of thought about Ronan's arms, the pale skin of his chest. He wondered if he had any moles around his navel, he wanted to lick them. He remembered the heat of Ronan beneath him, and for once he let himself imagine what it would be like if Ronan wanted him too. Clearly, some part of him did. Adam mindlessly brought his hand down to rub his jeans against his dick. 

Ronan's shoulders, freckled by sunlight. Ronan's hip bones, sharp and begging to be palmed. Quiet Ronan, eyes shut tight. Adam wanted to push sounds out of those lips, with his mouth, with his hands, with his cock. 

He unbuttoned his jeans and slid them and his boxers roughly down his thighs, blindly grabbing for the lotion next to the bed. He spread it over his dick still cold and hissed. 

Ronan's neck, his throat, lower down his chest. Adam wanted to taste him everywhere. He wanted to be inside Ronan, feel the other man surround him completely in the fire inside of him. He wanted to make Ronan look at him, to know that it was Adam who was inside him, Adam who was making him come undone. 

 

He fisted his dick furiously, not caring that he was grunting as he did so. He came hard against his own stomach, coating his shirt.

"Fuck." 

Just sleep on it, a voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Blue Sargent said.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam No-Chill Parrish goes to confession, Noah is a wise skater, and there is probably kissing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! I promise I didn't set out to write a gay crisis fic, but Ronan is so complex and there are a lot of layers to everything. This gets kinda sad, but what is a priest fic without a major extestential crisis. This part is darkest, but dawn is coming!

Adam had heard the phrase “just sleep on it” many times in his life. It had never worked for him. Adam was not someone who could resolve conflict in his mind. His mind, when left alone, veered toward angry and selfish and stupid. So it was that Adam woke up the next morning feeling worse than he had ever felt in life, minus maybe two or three times. 

Adam had still gone to meet Ronan early that morning in the field, but the animals had already been fed when he got there. He cursed so loud a baby goat jumped and he felt sort of bad.

He tried to find Ronan, he needed to talk about this, how completely unfair this was. He couldn’t just be mad at Adam and refuse to talk about it, this was something they were going to have to address at some point. Adam didn’t care anymore, he wanted Ronan to know how he felt. He wasn’t sorry any of it had happened, he was hungry for more. The very idea of holding Ronan made Adam shake. 

 

Ronan would not speak to Adam at all that day. 

 

The next day was Sunday and Ronan always led mass on Sunday and then took confessions after mass.

 

Ronan definitely couldn’t run away if Adam was confessing to him the Catholic way. He had seen the little box, nowhere to go. Ronan would have to hear him out, would have to hear Adam tell him that he was sorry but also not sorry, that he wanted Ronan, that all he did was think about him. 

Adam actually went to mass. It was kind of terrifying. Catholicism is the closest thing to a cult he'd ever witnessed. Ronan looked beautiful, Adam had always resented the cassock but somehow he looked royal and divine beneath the stained glass, both severe and holy. Adam was hard just watching him. He knew he shouldn’t be hard in church but then that thought made him harder so he just sort of palmed over his pants and let out a moan the same time everyone around him says amen. 

He waited for his turn in the truth box. He was not the only one who looked nervous, although he suspected it was for different reasons. He let everyone go ahead of him, waiting off to the side. The line dwindled slowly until he was sure that no one else was coming. Then Adam went inside. 

It was dark.

"I...I don't know how to do this," Adam said stupidly, after a much prolonged silence in which he just listened to Ronan breath.

"Usually it starts out with the Holy Cross and you telling me how long it's been since you last confessed," Ronan doesn't sound angry, he doesn't sound like anything. Less human and less Ronan than he's ever been. 

"Never," Adam said, "Where do I start?"

"Big to small. Murder is super high on the list, usually that's the first thing you'd have to admit to."

"Do people seriously admit to murder? Oh my god is someone here a murderer? Shit sorry, no God talk."

"No cursing either,"

"Is that a sin I have to confess too also?"

"You have to confess all sins," Ronan said, like Adam was stupid. 

"So you have to confess for every time you curse?"

"Yes, and I love cursing. But I don't do it often." 

"Are thoughts a sin?" Adam asked.

"If they go against God, then yes."

"Well I've never killed anyone but I curse, a lot, and I drink and I smoked weed with Noah like two days ago,” Adam said, “Also, I blew off a really important interview,”

“Why did you do that?” Adam is sure that Ronan sounds a little to reprimanding here, but its hard to tell anything when he can’t see his face. He’s lost all of his visual cues, and with Ronan, that’s everything. 

“Because Father, I like someone, I like him….a lot.”

“Feelings aren’t a sin,” Ronan said, like he had said it many times before.

"But thoughts are?"

“Thoughts can be controlled. Feelings can't. But what counts most is action so, did you act on them?” Ronan asked. 

“A little…not a lot, not as much as I want to.”

Ronan is breathing hard. “You have to be strong,” he sounds so young like this, Adam pushes his forehead to the partition.

“I am strong,” Adam said, “strong enough to know what I want, to know just how bad I want it."

It was quiet.

“Is jerking off a sin?” Adam asked.

“Yes," Ronan's voice broke around the word like a China cup. 

“Then I committed that one too, a lot, I mean, a lot… especially lately.”

“R-Really?” Ronan is was to the grate now, his forehead pressed to the same place Adam’s was.

“Yeah, I mean, this guy I like, well he’s…he’s beautiful. I know it’s probably some other kind of sin to say, but I’ve never felt the need to worship, and would worship him if I could, every inch of him.”

“Idolatry is a sin, you’re right.” Ronan said. 

“Don’t care, see even thinking about it makes me worked up." Adam was surprised at how low his voice was, his accent in full swing. 

"Tell me, Father, how do you deal with it? Man to man, you don’t ever reach down, take yourself in your hands and imagine it’s someone else, someone so ready to swallow you whole.Don’t you have urges too?”

“Yes,” Ronan’s voice broke and he whimpered, Adam wouldn't have heard it if he wasn't so close already and the little sound ruined him. 

“Don’t you wanna know what I think about, Father?”

Ronan had both hands on the grate between them.

“Come on, don’t you wanna know what I’m picturing when I wrap my hand around my cock?”

“Yes,” Ronan said again, and Adam’s stomach flipped.

“I think about everything, I think about all the places I wanna kiss you,” Adam was too far gone to pretend.

“I think about tasting you, feeling you around me, next to me. Sometimes I just think about how fucking perfect it would be to fall asleep next to you instead of 50 feet and a few walls away. I thinking about how you felt under me, even just for a split second, even if it wasn’t mine to take, Ronan, I can’t get enough of you.”

“Adam, you don’t understand, I can’t.”

“Tell me what to do, Ronan I will do anything." 

"You can't do this, Adam," 

"Why not?!" Adam is angry, shaking, pressing his hands against the partition so hard he will have the shape of the grate embedded in his hands.

"Because it's fucked up!" Ronan screamed, and then he was pushing his way out of the confessional. Adam followed him.

"Oh I'm fucked up?" Adam was fuming, he felt his eyes sting.

Ronan spun to face him. "What?! No Adam, that's not what I meant, but this, this is fucked up," he gestured between them. 

He was breathing hard, shoulders heaving under his robe. 

"You don't get it. There's nothing at stake for you. You're asking me to condemn myself to hell, to leave my church, my house! Do you think I haven't thought about this?" Ronan looked wild, his eyes burning, face flushed and desperate. 

"Have you?" Adam asked, quieter. "Thought about it, I mean?" 

Ronan stood still, his eyes sharp. 

"Yes." 

Adam broke all over he was losing ground.

"Ronan please, it doesn't have to be like this," Adam pushed closer to him as he spoke, too aware of the walls of the church around them, the heavy material of Ronan's robe shielding him. 

"Yes, it does," Ronan said, and he closed his eyes, closed off his whole face, and walked away from Adam. 

 

Adam was so fucked. He had managed to make everything so much worse. He already knew he was going to have to leave, that he wouldn't be able to face Ronan day after day. Some part of Adam had been so sure that Ronan must have wanted him too, that they could make it work, but when Ronan admitted that he of course he thought about Adam like that, and then still walked away, Adam had died inside. He had to leave. He could get a hotel in DC for a week or two, he could find a place by then. Who cares if he didn't have a job yet, he couldn't stand to be anywhere near this church, near Ronan. Adam got in his car and drove without thinking. He debated going to Gansey's house, but was worried Ronan would go there. He picked his phone and dialed. "Can you meet me at the skatepark?"

 

Noah was waiting for Adam at the bowl, sitting on the ledge. Noah was pushing 30 but he had a timeless, boyish face that made people card him when he bought cigarettes. 

"What's up man!" Noah said.

"Shit day, dude. I think I have to leave town."

"Damn, did you murder someone?"

"No, but that's the second time today someone's asked me that."

"So what happened? Girl trouble?" Noah winked.

Adam sent him a scathing look. 

"Ronan trouble," Adam said.

"What did he do?" Noah asked, concern evident in his pale brow.

Adam laughed humorlessly. "This ones all on me. I fucked up, Noah. I think, I think I'm in love with him."

Noah pulled out a cigarette and lit it, took a long drag and said "Well, shit." 

"That's not the worst of it. I told him."

"Oh, Adam," Noah said sadly, shaking his head.

"I thought, I mean I really thought that he wanted me to too." 

"He does." Noah said it so simply that Adam just stared.

"Noah I told him how I felt and he told me no."

"Well, he's a priest, so," Noah said as he took another drag. 

When Adam didn't say anything, Noah continued.

"Okay look, it really isn't my place to go spilling someone else's secrets but you look like a kicked dog locked out in the rain so, here's a fucking bone." He crushed the cigarette and turned pale eyes to Adam. "Ronan is broken. Some of it was the shit with his family and some of it was the pressure from God but most of it was just Ronan killing himself."

"I know about the drugs, the DUI, the drinking. I know he thought he was going to Hell if he couldn't stop," Adam said.

Noah shook his head. "Ronan isn't a true addict, all of his addict behavior was always just a crutch, a physical outlet for the darkest part of himself he couldn't deal with." Noah looked uncomfortable, but he went on. "Right before he died, Niall caught Ronan kissing another boy in his grade. Ronan was only 16, you know? It was just... kissing. But Niall really lost it. Told Ronan he was going to Hell, told him he was disappointed. The next time Ronan saw him, he was bleeding out in the driveway."

Adam knew his face must be betraying everything he was feeling because Noah reached out to touch his shoulder. 

"He's paying some kind penance, some sort of prison sentence against his soul, because he thinks it's the only way to do right by his dad, to do right by God."

"Noah this is sick," Adam said.

"Yeah well, Gansey tried to talk him out of it. He said it didn't matter, the only thing that mattered was Ronan being happy. Ronan said he could never be happy, not like that. Locked in the church or the graveyard behind it, that's what he said."

Adam shivered at the memory of the same words. 

"Does Blue know?" 

"Not all of it, not about Niall. But she knows that his sexuality had some sway in his decision. I think she knew Ronan would like you." 

Asks shook his head, thinking about sixteen year old Ronan, the hurt on his face at his fathers words. He wondered if he saw Ronan right before it happened. Had Ronan wanted to kiss Adam that night in his car all those years ago? He thought about Niall, crushing Ronan's spirit. 

"I hate him."

Adam didn't need to clarify, Noah understood.

"I didn't know him, not really, but Gansey knew him well and he swears that he would have come around. Niall loved Ronan more than anything in the universe. He was just stuck in old ways, but trust me, he would have come around. It was bad luck, bad timing, bad shit all over." 

Clearly Noah couldn't sit still any longer, he stood up and stepped onto his board, dropping into the bowl. Adam followed. They skated in silence for close to 30 minutes, Adam's head spinning with new information. He wanted to hold Ronan, not even in the sexy way just to prove to him to that whoever he was, he was worthy, he was important.

What had he done? He was such an asshole. He hadn't thought about Ronan's feelings at all and now it was done, it was over. He had pushed too hard too soon, hadn't stopped for even a moment to gauge how Ronan was handling any of it. He had taken the slow and delicate web they had been weaving and crushed it between his fingers. He hated himself. The best thing he could do was leave Ronan alone, tell him how sorry he was, how much better Ronan deserved, and get the fuck out of Henrietta for good.

He stopped skating. 

"Noah, thank you."

Noah stopped, picking up his board.

"You deserved to know. What are you gonna do now?" 

"Nothing to do. I think I have to get out of here, at least for a while."

Noah nodded, "I'll see you around man."

"Yeah," Adam lied, "sure thing."

 

Chapter Six 

 

Adam had enough in savings to crash at a hotel for a week and put money down on a place in DC. He was just going to pack up his things and leave, but knew he would have to say something to Ronan. All he wanted to do was say sorry, to tell Ronan that he was amazing and that he was sorry he had ever done anything to hurt him. 

He meant to go pack first, to only see Ronan on his way out but he beelined for the other boys room when he hit the landing. 

Ronan opened the door. His face darkened.

"Just hear me out, okay? I'm leaving. I'm gonna leave, but please just let me say something first?"

Ronan doesn't slam the door in Adam's face. 

He stands back and allows Adam into his room. It smells like Ronan, Adam shivers. He's so on edge, he's been dreading this moment for weeks, the moment when he would have to leave and it's a thousand times worse for being self inflicted.

 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Ronan, for all of it." 

Ronan is standing in with his back to the closed door and Adam moves to the center of the room, so much space between them. 

"I'm an asshole, and I was disrespectful and I was selfish. I was only thinking about me, about how much I want you." 

Ronan's hands were shaking, and he pulled them into fists when Adam's eyes caught them. Noah's words were in his head like razors. 

"Ronan, I don't expect you to forgive me and that's okay. I meant it when I said I was leaving, I don't wanna to hurt you, I don't wanna watch you hurt." 

Adam moved closer to Ronan, still keeping a foot of space between them. Ronan was shaking all over, back against the door.

"I need you to understand," Adam said slowly, "why I did what I did, why I needed you to know, because I do need you to know." He took in a shuddering breath. "I've never met anyone like you. I remember you picking me up in the rain when we were kids. I remember you disappearing. I looked for you," 

Ronan closed his eyes, but then opened them again. It took obvious effort to do so. 

Adam went on. 

"And you, with your faith and your neck and your baby deer, King of the animals, giant birdcage builder, every moment I got to spend with you was like turning a page in a book I couldn't put down." Adam was probably only 8 inches away now, but he couldn't move any closer, it would defeat the whole purpose of this.

Ronan finally speaks, and it looks like it hurts him to do so. 

"Being with you is like staring at the sun." 

Adam's heart lurched. He wasn't even sure that was a compliment but it sure as hell sounded like one. 

"I love you," Adam said. "That's why I did it, and I'm so sorry because I really thought maybe you did too."

Ronan's resolve broke and he squeezed his eyes shut, his head dipping down, breath coming out hard and fast. 

"I'm so sorry, Ronan. For all of it. I just want you to be happy, whatever it is if it's this..." he trails off gesturing to the cross. "Or maybe one day more, if not with me then with someone. Someone who sees you, someone who looks at you the way you look at the stars."

Ronan whimpered, but it wasn't hot this time it just made Adam want to fall to his knees and grab Ronan, cradle him until he stopped shaking. 

Eight inches apart and holding.

"I'm sorry," Ronan said. Adam breathed a quick laugh and thought that at least Ronan got to be vindicated. All Adam got to be was fucking heartbroken. He shook his head, biting down on any retort. This was easier when Ronan was quiet. 

"I'm gonna go, I need to pack up my stuff."

"Okay," Ronan said. 

He knew it was coming, but it still hurt like hell. Adam let out a long breath and moved past Ronan by the door. 

"Goodbye, Ronan."

"Goodbye, Adam." 

 

Packing should have been relatively easy but Adam felt bone weary and weak. Fifteen minutes in he gave up and sat down on his bed. It was as if every cell in his body was turning to lead, gravity working against him to keep him here, close to Ronan. He couldn't believe he'd told him he loved him. 

He absolutely could believe it was true, because Adam has never loved anyone until Ronan and now he was sure that no matter what happened, he was doomed to love Ronan Lynch forever. Best case scenario he could keep his heart quiet. Worst case this might actually kill him. He hoped Ronan wasn't right about church Hell. 

He let himself wallow for a few minutes before he took a few deep breaths and stood to finish packing. Suddenly his door opened. 

Ronan was in his doorway, in dark thin sweat pants and a plain white tee shirt. He looked terrifying. Adam had a flashback to high school Ronan, the most dangerous boy he had ever met.

"Ronan? Are you okay?" 

Ronan came in and shut the door. He turned the lock. Adam's stomach dropped to make room for his heart swelling. 

He was across the room and looking down at Adam in an instant. Ronan took Adam's hand and bright it up to his lips. He leaned down and kissed Adam's knuckles and Adam's knees went weak. 

"Ronan, I don't understand," Adam said, his voice strange to his own ears. 

"I'm scared," Ronan whispered against Adam's hand. Adam brought his other hand up to Ronan's face, cupping his cheek. 

"I know, but you're also so brave," Adam whispered. 

"I don't know what to do, I don't think I can live like this, but I can't live with myself if I don't."

"Ronan, tell me, please just tell me, why? If God created you, just as the perfect being that you are, don't you think he wants you to be happy? Can't you keep your relationship with God and be your true self too?" Adam ran his fingers through Ronan's hair, bringing a hand to the back of his neck. Ronan's hand was tight on his other, and Adam moved their connected hands to his own chest, so he could press Ronan's palm against his heartbeat. 

Ronan looked at Adam, all walls down. His dark hair was slightly mussed from Adam playing with it. "It's complicated," he said. 

Adam brought Ronan over to the bed and they say side by side but Ronan didn't let go of Adam's hand.

"When I was younger, I knew I was different, but I didn't think it made me bad, you know? I was bathed in the love of Christ. I was special, my dad told me all the time. I was his favorite, the golden child. I could do no wrong. I knew my feelings were...not normal, but I guess when I was young I figured I would grow out of it. As I got a little older I realized it wasn't going away, and I prayed and prayed and prayed to God to help me be better to show me a way out. I was just a kid, you know? I don't think I could have said no even if I wanted to but I didn't really want to." 

Ronan's eyes are open, but laser focused on Adam's hand. 

"My dad, he found me another guy. We were just kissing, I hadn't kissed anyone before that, had kind of resolved myself to never getting what I really wanted, but then I had it and I knew that it was right. He was not happy. He screamed, he pulled us apart and obviously the poor kid took of, terrified." Ronan shook his head, looked up St Adam and went on.

"He told me I was going to Hell, he was so worried, he was almost in tears. Disappointed, too. I had let him and God down all in one fell swoop. Quite a feat for a 16 year old kid to achieve with just a first kiss." 

Adam squeezed Ronan's hand.

"It was the last time we ever spoke." 

Adam was suddenly overwhelmingly grateful that Noah had told him this first, because he was able to curb his own horror and attempt to slip into a mask of comfort and support, but he couldn't help the shiver that ran threw him, the cold dread seeping from Ronan into himself. 

"Oh Ro, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, shit, no." Adam pulled Ronan closer to him and the other boy pressed his face to Adam's chest. 

"Ronan, please, listen to me. You're not going to Hell, you're the best person I know. I've never met anyone so wonderful. If the darkest thing in your heart is love, then shit Ronan, how can you not see that you're just pure light all the way down?"

Ronan shook his head against Adam's chest.

"Gansey thinks he would have come around," Ronan said.

"He loved you, of course he would have. Ronan listen to me, let me help you, can't we go find some, I don't know Church Elders or something? Let's go into the city and talk to people who are gay and still maintain a relationship with God, Ronan please, we can do both. I promise you." 

Silence.

"I just want to be good," Ronan said, lifting his head to meet Adam's eyes. Ronan's own were huge, blue and wet. Adam had never seen anything so beautiful in his life.

He leaned forward and kissed Ronan, who stiffened for a moment before melting into the kiss, pushing his lips against Adam's. 

"I meant everything I said," Adam moved his mouth down to Ronan's jaw, his hands spreading over his chest. He could feel his heartbeat hammering and moved his mouth the matching pulse point on Ronan's neck. "You're so beautiful Ronan, I can't stop thinking about you." 

Soft lips nipped along Ronan's neck. Ronan's eyes were shut tight again, he was clearly on emotional overload. He took a long breath and opened his eyes to look at Adam. 

"I think about you all the time too," Ronan said suddenly. Adam's stomach flipped, his eyes widened. Hearing Ronan even admit to wanting him was the most erotic thing that had ever happened to him. His breath stuttered, hands gripping Ronan tighter.

"Really?" Adam asked, and Ronan was clearly encouraged to continue, either by Adam's physical response to his words or the true disbelief that he was showing on his face.

"Yes. Always, the first time I met you, our first day of school together, I just watched you. From that moment, for on the last few months I was in school, the only thing I studied was you."

Ronan's hands pressed against Adam's arms, fingers trailing slowly up and down his skin. 

"I've been able to turn off everything, for the most part, for so long. But not with you. I didn't want to let you live here, but I couldn't tell you no." Ronan's face was open, his voice raw. "It felt like a test and I kept failing it. I kept asking myself, didn't you know the devil would feel so good? Feel just like home?" 

"I'm not the devil," Adam said. Ronan's hands moved to the front of his shirt, up to shoulders, his chest, touching him everywhere. 

"I know. That's not what I meant," Ronan shook his head.

"But you do think it's evil, being gay?"

Ronan didn't say anything.

"Do you think I'm evil?" Adam asked, grabbing Ronan's hands with his own to stop their journey across his stomach. 

"No. No Adam, of course not." Ronan squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm not good at this. That's not what I meant, I just meant that for me, it was a test. For me, for my own sense of judgement for my own sense of morality. My feelings for you go against everything I have fought so hard to create. I cannot have my life and have you too."

"What kind of life is that, though? If we can't ever be together. No, it's not even about me, Ronan what kind of life is it if you never get to feel loved? How could that ever be enough?"

"God's love," Ronan said, thumb stroking Adam's wrist. 

"How is that working out?" Adam asked dryly. 

Ronan moved his eyes back to Adam and let out a heavy breath. When his eyes squeezed shut, tears fell. 

"Oh Ronan," Adam pulled the other boy on to him, pressed the solid heat of Ronan Lynch into his lap, against his chest, his thighs, his neck. Ronan cried. 

Adam just held him, let him sob into his neck and clutch at his shirt. After a few minutes Ronan stopped shaking, his breathing evened out. Finally he opened his eyes.

"Ronan I promise you, this will be good, can't you see it? The truth is the light, the truth is always the light, the way out, and this is truest thing I've ever known." 

He must have finally managed to put it into words Ronan could swallow, or maybe crying has undone him, because suddenly Ronan's mouth was on his, hands fisting in his hair hungrily. Ronan bit at Adam's lower lip and Adam opened his mouth to allow Ronan access. He was still seated on his lap, and Adam's hands found Ronan's hips and he spread his fingers to palm his hip bones. Ronan shivered on him, body arching into his touch, moving just enthusiastically enough that Adam's erection ground against his ass. 

Adam reached for Ronan's tee shirt, dragging it up his body but Ronan stopped him.

"Adam I-" 

Adam braced himself for the worst. He prayed that Ronan wouldn't tell him to stop, that it couldn't be. He was not above crying right now if he had to. 

"I want to leave the priesthood first. I can put in my resignation tomorrow, I'll be relieved of my position immediately and I'll offer to help with duties for as long as it takes to replace me. But I can't do this, not while I'm still a priest. I'm sorry."

Ronan ducked his head. Adam caught it with his hands and brought his mouth back to Ronan's. 

"Yes, yes of course. Is kissing bad? Can we keep doing kissing?" Adam asked eagerly.

Ronan smiled, "Yeah I mean, I'll have to confess to it but I think it's worth it. I mean I already have to confess to it anyway. Just, just kissing, okay?" He said it as if he didn't trust himself to no to Adam but Adam would never, ever push Ronan into anything he didn't want. 

"Just kissing, I promise," he said, and they kissed and they kissed and they kissed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Ronan deserve to be happy, and also to have lots of super hot steamy sex so here is that thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes my own. This is like HARDLY edited. Sorry lol.

It was mid afternoon the next day when there was a knock at the door. Adam rushed to open it. Ronan was standing there, smiling. Really, really smiling. Adam had never seen him smile like that, the closest thing were the photographs of at The Barns.  
"You did it?"  
Ronan nodded and stepped into Adam's room, closing the door behind him. Adam was shivering with excitement. He debated attacking Ronan, pinning him to the floor, stripping him until every bit of flesh was on display for him.  
Ronan kissed Adam, and Adam softened at the feel of the other boy against him. His own brain was sparking off white heat, his body aching for Ronan but there was no urgency in Ronan's kiss, if anything it was deliberately slow. Adam was anchored by the clean, sharp scent of Ronan's skin, the gentle rush of his fingers along Adam's ribs, two heartbeats punctuating the silence. He wasn't going to rush this. He had to go slow, had to prove to Ronan somehow that he was worthy of this, that Adam adored him and was so very thankful.  
It was a testament to how much he really liked kissing Ronan that he the simple act alone was enough to both ignite and calm something inside of him.

"Can we get out of here?" Ronan asked. His voice was rough but so light, Adam relished in the weightlessness.   
"Absolutely," he said, but he kissed Ronan again instead of moving immediately to grab his wallet and keys.  
Ronan drove, as always, and Adam didn't need to ask to know they were going to The Barns.  
Adam spend the entire car ride reminding himself that he was not going to jump Ronan the minute they walked through the door, and that it was possible that all he would get was kissing for a while and that was totally fine. But when they finally got inside, he found it much easier to obey his own orders. There was such palpable relief on Ronan’s face, he moved easily through the hallway, barefoot, balancing on the balls of his feet to reach for a box on a top shelf and smiling, warm and sharp at Adam. The breath left his chest in a rush.   
Ronan brought the box into the living room and they sat on either side of it and pulled out various objects, photographs, notes.  
“My dad kept strange things in strange places. This is one of Lynch Boys Boxes.”  
It was indeed almost entirely pictures of the three Lynch bothers. There was Matthew, young and sunlit. Declan, serious and handsome, and Ronan, eyes on fire, always smiling like he was just about to burst into laughter. Adam felt his eyes sting as he ran a finger over a picture of Ronan on his 6th birthday, toothless grin sticky against his whole face. 

There were birthday cards, baby teeth, tiny shoes. All of it screamed of love.  
“He loved you so much,” Adam said. “I’d bet my life there isn’t a single photograph of me in my parents house. I don’t remember there ever being one, to be honest.”

Ronan was quiet, his eyes on Adam. He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again. Adam waited.  
“I’m sorry,” he said, “it’s not fair. None of it is fair.”  
“You’re right,” Adam said, “but also, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is learning to love yourself, and I’m not there yet but I work at it every day, I allow myself to be free of them, of the things that have held me back, and after a while, the anger and resentment starts to go away and while I don’t always remember to feel grateful, most of the time I do feel okay.”  
Ronan was on him before he noticed him moving, hands rough in his hair and lips hungry. Yes, Adam thought, this is right.

Ronan was solid heat, pressing into Adam with eagerness and crackling nervous energy. Ronan licked along Ronan’s bottom lip, nipping it gently. 

“We don’t,” Adam panted, “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”  
Ronan made a strangled little noise and said, “Want you.”

Ronan’s cheeks were flush, pink creeping down his neck, Adam gasped against his skin.

“Can we go upstairs?” Adam asked.  
Ronan nodded, kissed Adam again, and took his hand as they headed upt he stairs.  
Adam had a flashback to the first time Ronan had taken him up here, how he had allowed himself the small moment it took to ascend the stairs to imagine that he was Ronan’s, that they were going upstairs to touch. He shivered and squeezed Ronan’s hands.  
Ronan lead Adam down the hall to his room. It was small, the walls were covered in DJ posters from the early 2000’s. There was an AKAI beat machine next to a shiny laptop and an old ash tray that had been cleaned out. The far wall was covered with books, some that Adam recognized from school, some he had never heard of, some were definitely in Latin and Gaelic. 

There were two large windows facing out over the tiny barns dotting the hillside.   
Ronan stood in the middle of the room, looking at Adam, breath coming quickly, hands shaking.   
“Adam I…I’ve never, I mean I have no idea how,” Ronan said, looking embarrassed.  
“Shh,” Adam stepped up close to Ronan, bringing his hands to the other boy’s shoulders, his chest and hips.  
“I’ll show you, I’ll show you everything. And you’ll tell me to stop if you’re not okay, right?” Adam said.  
Ronan nodded.   
“Seriously, Ronan, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do ever. I want this to be good for you.”  
“I promise,” Ronan said.   
Adam wanted to prove to him that this was the right choice, he felt suddenly overwhelmed with the trust and affection that Ronan had bestowed upon him. What about Adam could have possibly made Ronan deem him worthy of…this. Of Ronan in the golden light, Ronan’s eyes, wet and star fire blue. Ronan’s arms, the dusting of dark hair along them, the elegant skeleton fingers. 

“On the bed?” Adam asked, and his voice was so low. Ronan backed up to the bed and crawled to the middle of it. Adam followed him to the center, and brought his hands to Ronan’s face. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was, he had to make Ronan understand.

“You’re so beautiful, Ronan.” Adam’s hands traced Ronan’s face, his jaw, his ears. He felt him shivering under his touch, heard his breath quicken.   
“I love your eyes, because I can always see you in them. Even when you would close off, I could see you looking back at me, reaching for me.” Adam kissed Ronan’s eyelids.  
“When you would squeeze them shut on me, it was like watching you walk away, slam a door.”  
Adam kissed his jaw, down the cords of his neck to his collarbones. He reached down to the hem of Ronan’s plain t-shirt and pulled it up over his head. Ronan’s chest was ivory white, dotted with small dark moles and a dark trail of hair from his navel, lower, lower. Adam felt his stomach muscles contract, hips jerking slightly at the sight. “Oh, you’re so perfect,” Adam pushed Ronan gently back against the pillows and Ronan straightened his legs. Adam moved to straddle Ronan’s thighs and dipped his head down to kiss his sternum. He paused to breathe against the place where Ronan’s heart slammed into his ribcage as if it was a startled bird.   
Knowing Ronan, it probably was.

Adam licked every mole on Ronan’s chest and stomach, all seventeen of them. He guided Ronan forward, so that he could lay flat on the bed with Adam above him, moved to sit further down on Ronan’s legs, and began to mouth at his navel. Ronan’s hips twisted under him, and the little breathy gasps that Ronan had been making turned into full blown moans. 

“Every inch of you,” Adam said, kissing Ronan’s hipbone, “is so perfect, so beautiful. I’ve dreamt of your skin, so many times.”

“I dream of you touching me,” Ronan rasped, his hands coming to fist in Adam’s hair. “Every night.”  
Adam felt the air leave his body and then he felt his body leave the universe. He moved up Ronan’s chest to kiss him, lying on top of the other boy. Ronan tugged at Adam’s shirt and he lifted up to be rid of it, settling back with his bare chest against Ronan's burning skin and his erection against Ronan’s thigh. Ronan’s own pressed against his groin and Adam ground down and, “Oh! Holy shit, Adam,” Ronan cursed. 

Ronan cursed. 

Adam remembered Ronan telling him once that he loved cursing. He wanted more of it. He wanted a lot more of it.   
“Oh my god Ronan, you cursing is actually the hottest thing I’ve ever heard.”  
“Fuck, I’ve missed it, ah!” Ronan whimpered as Adam ground back into him.   
"Do it again," Adam whimpered.   
"Fuck you feel so good, holy mother fucking shit Adam," Ronan ground out.   
Hearing Former Father Ronan Lynch curse was making Adam harder than he'd ever been in his life, including the time he accidental Robby Greyson jerking off in the showers at school sophomore year.  
"I wanna touch you," Adam groaned into his neck, "wanna worship you, idolatry be damned."   
"Fuck," Ronan keened up into Adam at his words.   
"Do you like that? Want me to tell you how you're the only thing I've ever prayed to?"   
Ronan seemed too stunned to speak; his hips were bucking up against Adam who raised his body to unhook Ronan's jeans. Ronan threw an arm over his face.  
Adam wanted to tell Ronan to watch him, but knew that the other boy was probably on sensory overload.  
"Wanted to do this for so long, it's your name I say every night, laying in the dark, touching myself."   
Adam pulled Ronan's jeans down and he kicked off them off. Ronan was in plain white briefs and Adam almost came from seeing the outline of his cock straining and wet again the light fabric.   
Adam surged to mouth at the front of Ronan's briefs, pressing his tongue against the small wet patch at the front.   
Ronan cried out, his hips jerking. Adam's hands were there to catch them, firm on hipbones.   
"Oh fuck, Adam, please," Ronan begged.  
"Please what, baby?" Adam drawled, blowing on the spreading wet spot.   
Ronan huffed and whimpered, leaning up on his elbows, he met Adam's eyes.   
"Please touch me Adam, I want you to touch my cock so bad," he bit his lip and Adam wasn't sure if it was intentional or just a symptom of his overwhelming desire, but the effect was the same.   
Adam couldn't deny him if he wanted to and he really didn't want to. 

He hooked his freckled fingers into the waistband and of Ronan's briefs and tugged. Ronan's cock bobbed out to rest against his stomach, dark and swollen and just a little bit smaller than Adam's, despite Ronan's height advantage. Adam ran a finger along the shaft teasing him. Ronan's cock twitched at Adam's touch and he leaned down to kiss the weeping head, tonguing into the slit before opening his mouth the sink down onto him completely.   
Ronan bucked up into his mouth immediately but Adam was ready for it, relaxing his jaw to take him. He let Ronan set the pace, fucking himself into Adam's throat, responding by sucking hard every time he pulled back.   
It didn't take long, Ronan was cursing musically under him, hands grabbing furiously at Adam's hair and gasping. His hips worked frantically and when Adam felt his movements gain speed, he held his hips down and sank down, pushing Ronan all the way inside his throat and swallowing around him. Ronan came in a rush, thighs pressing against Adam's ears, fingers tightening and loosening in his hair. Adam swallowed his release greedily, relishing the intensity of him, thrown by how much he loved it, enough to crave his taste forever. 

He pulled off and peppered kisses around Ronan's pelvis and hips, his groin, his thighs and back up. He raised his head to meet Ronan's eyes and found the other man crying noiselessly.   
"Hey, shh it's okay," Adam said, moving fast to slide himself right against Ronan's side.   
"I'm sorry," Ronan said, "I didn't mean to, I'm not sad I swear Adam that was, holy shit that was the best thing it was just,"   
"It's intense, I know, it's okay. You did perfect Ronan, you're so perfect."  
Ronan gasped in shaky breath after shaky breath as Adam held him and stroked him until his breathing returned to normal, and then kissed him slowly. It didn't take long for Ronan to rebound, curiosity and arousal overwhelming any other feelings. Clearly feeling bold, Ronan's hands found the clasp of Adam's jeans and undid them. He tugged at Adam's pants, pulling them and his boxers down his thighs. Adam shifted to shimmy out of his pants, and then let Ronan see his cock. Ronan sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes wide and lips parted. His tongue jumped out to wet his bottom lip and his shaking fingers reached for Adam's length. The touch of Ronan's fingers on the skin of his penis was electric, and Adam made a strangled noise. Ronan brought his hand up to his mouth to lick before bringing it back down to Adam. He began to fist him, twisting his wrist on the upstroke. Adam let his head fall back, his breaths coming sharp bursts.   
"Oh baby just like that, can't believe you're touching me, can't believe I'm so lucky."   
Ronan focused in on Adam with laser concentration, working him slowly and quickly in alternating motions. Adam didn't normally cum from handjobs, but he was pretty sure anything Ronan did to him would make him cum. He liked being on edge however, and he was determined to make Ronan cum again before he came himself. He thought about old people breath and bugs laying eggs in animals and every other gross thing that would help keep him from going too soon. After a moment he took Ronan's hand away from his dick and brought it to his mouth to kiss and lick his fingers.   
"I don't wanna cum yet," he explained to Ronan's nervous expression. Ronan was halfway hard again, and Adam pushed him down on the bed to crawl on top of him again. This time he took their cocks and lined them up, spitting in his hand before bringing it back down to where the rawest heat of their bodies was coiled side by side. He began to pump them together. He could feel Ronan swelling beneath him, watched his lips part in amazement.   
"Yeah that's it, oh fuck," Adam rasped against Ronan's shoulder.   
"Adam, I want...I need," Ronan gasped and then choked off, eyes squeezing shut.   
"Tell me what you want baby, anything you want."  
"Iwantchuinisdeme" Ronan mumbled.   
"What?" Adam asked, pulling back to look at Ronan.  
"I want you...inside me," Ronan whispered, not meeting Adam's eyes.   
Adam groaned and leaned down to kiss Ronan.  
"Yes, Ronan yes but are you sure? I don't want to do anything you don't want to do, we have so much time to-"  
"I wanna, please Adam I'm sure," Ronan's eyes were wide and dark, his pupils blown huge. "I've thought about it a lot," he admitted, "I wanna feel you inside me so badly, please I'm sure."   
It's okay, Adam thought, I love dying and being dead. I can't possibly still be Adam Parrish because things this good to not happen to Adam Parrish.   
"Yeah, oh my god yes," Adam grinned wickedly, smile huge and ecstatic. He moved his mouth down to Ronan's chest, nipping quickly in his rush, down to his navel and hipbones. He licked a stripe down the shaft of his penis and gently mouthed at his balls. Ronan whimpered again and fisted the bed sheets on either side of him. Adam pressed wet kisses lower, below Ronan's balls until his mouth found the puckered hole. Adam lapped at him quickly and blew air against his opening, watching it twitch under him.   
"Adam, oh my god what-"   
Adam surged forward; tongue pushing against him until the ring of muscle opened to let him inside and Ronan stopped talking and started moaning instead.  
Adam worked his tongue in deeper, pulling out to secure his lips around Ronan and sucked. Ronan's hands found Adam's shoulders and his nails bit into the flesh of his back. Adam pulled back and slid one finger into Ronan, he accepted it easily but oh god-  
"Ronan you're so hot, fuck," Adam panted against Ronan's belly as he worked the first finger slowly. A second finger followed, and Adam kissed Ronan's stomach, his chest, each rib and he slowly spread his fingers apart.  
"Relax into me baby, that's it," he said, using his free hand to massage Ronan's torso, kissing back up his body to his neck. He sucked on a tender spot at the junction of Ronan's neck and jaw as he slipped the third finger inside Ronan. The feel of Ronan all around him was intoxicating, and when Ronan started to pump down on Adam's hand, fucking himself onto his fingers, Adam groaned out loud.   
"Please Adam I'm ready," Ronan said.  
"Soon sweetheart, not yet," Adam didn't care how stupid he sounded, he wanted to bathe Ronan in compliments and terms of endearment.   
Adam finally slipped a fourth finger inside Ronan and he winced. Adam was glad for the slow prep, it would make this easier on both of them. He didn't want to hurt Ronan, was determined to make this good for him.   
"Please, please," Ronan was whimpering and begging, "Adam please, fuck me."   
Adam didn't see any reason to deny him.   
He moved back up Ronan's body, lining his cock up with the center of heat. Ronan leaned up on his elbows to kiss him, and Adam moved his lips slowly against Ronan's as he pushed inside. He moved slowly, Ronan's legs coming up to hook around his hips and press his ass closer, pulling him in deeper.   
"Oh fuck," Adam hissed, "you're so tight, so soft."   
Ronan gasped as he adjusted to Adam's length inside him, pushing in inch by inch until he was buried completely inside. They froze, panting against each other's mouths. Ronan arched and adjusted his hips.   
"Adam, please?" Ronan asked, so gentle and so desperate at the same time that Adam made a choked sound as he pulled back and thrust back in.   
Ronan grunted, his face twisting.   
"Are you okay?" Adam asked.  
"Yeah," he panted, "it's good, don't stop."  
Adam moved again, as gently as he could, pulling back and pushing into Ronan slowly. He did it a few times before angling his hips and shifting up to graze Ronan's prostate. It too him a few tries but he when he found it, Ronan arched up, hands coming to wrap round Adam's neck. He was making quick, strangled sounds against Adam's neck. Little oh, oh, oh's bursting from his lips every time Adam thrust forward.  
"Adam, oh my god- oh- you're so- don't stop- aah-" Ronan cried out, every sound he made more intense and desperate.   
Adam needed him to cum, he was so close but he couldn't let himself finish before Ronan, needed to feel the other man clenching around him. He reached a hand between them to touch Ronan's dick.   
Ronan tried to kiss Adam but his mouth was too slack, instead he panted against his mouth and groaned at the contact.   
"M'so close," Adam whispered, "gonna cum inside you baby, want you to feel me fill you up."   
He jerked Ronan purposefully and pushed forward of assault his prostate from the inside.   
Ronan was coming undone, falling apart underneath Adam, clawing at him and biting his lips.   
Adam lifted up to watch him as he twisted his hand on Ronan and slammed into him again, the heat from inside his body bleeding into every inch of Adam.  
"Adam!" Ronan cried out, his eyes wide and rolling back in his head, he made a series of helpless noises before his cock began spasming and squirting between their bodies.  
Adam felt Ronan's body convulse from the inside, clamping down around him. He gasped and grunted as he pumped wildly into Ronan, his seed spilling furiously inside he other man. Ronan gasped again as he felt Adam's heat flood him.   
Adam collapsed on top of Ronan, kissing his face and ear and any part of him that his mouth could reach without moving. He slowly pulled out of Ronan, cum dribbling out behind him.   
They lay in bed, sticky and hot and out of breath until Adam was too itchy and got up to get a towel to clean them up.   
"What do we do now?" Ronan asked a while later, tight against Adam's side.  
"Anything we want to," Adam said. "The stars are the limit." 

 

Epilogue

 

In the fall, Adam found a job working for a political strategist in DC. It was decent money and exactly in line with what he had always hoped to do. He and Ronan looked for apartments in the city and finally found a one bedroom with a view of a courtyard and pet policy because it turned out some of those birds at The Barns were very important to Ronan.   
Ronan had reconciled with his mother, finally braking down and coming out to her. She wasn't surprised, just told Ronan that she loved him no matter what. That his father loved him no matter what. That God did too. She had agreed to return to The Barns to oversee the property, and Ronan would come out on weekends to keep fixing it up.  
Ronan found a job working as at a vet's office. He was stupid good at it, they called him the animal whispered which Adam said had totally been his idea.   
Ronan and Adam found a progressive church in DC that was led by an openly Gay pastor. A lot of the people were LGBTQ couples and those who weren't were avid believers in a God who loved all his children. Without the guilt of love as a sin, Ronan was able to enjoy his faith in a way he hadn't since he was a child. His relationship with God was no longer penance for sin, but rather an appreciation for the lessons that God had taught him, the road that led him to self acceptance and love. He knew God played a role in all of that, and he was overwhelmingly grateful. Ronan no longer prayed for forgiveness, although he sometimes still prayed for strength. Mostly he just gave thanks, because honestly, he had so much to be thankful for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow thank you guys so much for the interest in this fic! It was an absolute blast to write, and I am so thankful for all of your input. I hope you enjoy!!! Biggest thanks to @Again_n_Again for encouraging my plot bunnies and sneaky reading my drafts while at work. You the best.

**Author's Note:**

> So most of this fic was written on my phone, and I wrote the whole thing in such a short period of time, my eyes definitely didn't catch all my mistakes. So if you see anything that throws you out of the story let me know!


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